Monday, November 24, 2014


One of the lessons I came to learn in this human experience is to love myself . . .unconditionally.  Oh wait, I think the majority of humanity is learning the same lesson.  If I came to learn and experience what love is, then why am I experiencing confusion, frustration, hurt, chaos, anger and ultimately war?  They are the opposite of what I want to experience.  Maybe the only way to know what love is, I get to know what love is not.

With all the hate, war, arrogance and chaos on this earth, this is only a reflection of what is going on inside of me.  If I am searching for peace on earth, then I begin by reflecting the peace and love deep inside my soul.

When I look inside myself I discover God.  What and who is God?  God is love.  What is love?  Love is all encompassing.  Love is healing.  Love is peace. Love is kindness. Love is forgiveness.  Love is being sincere and authentic.  Love is truth.  The list could go on.

To assist in remembering that I am loved unconditionally by a divine being, here are a few questions I am asking myself:

  • If I believed I was loved unconditionally, how would I treat myself and others?
  • If God loves me unconditionally, what would that feel like?
  • Are my actions in alignment with who I am?
  • What is God asking me to do in this present moment?
  • When I say I love others unconditionally, am I including myself in that love?

Sunday, May 25, 2014

stop waiting

Why do you wait to get the answers from other people?  When you already know the answer.  Why do you wait to respond to something that is out of integrity with who you are?  Why are you waiting to forgive those that have wronged you?  Why do you wait to be the powerful you?  Why do you wait to take a stand for truth and light and just follow others?  You know better, so stop it.

This is not a beat up stick.  This is an unconditional loving reminder that you are holy and called of God to do the work.  You are chosen to do God's work because you want to.  Your heart longing seeks the truth, to know the truth and live the truth.

STOP WAITING!!!  Stop waiting for everyone else.  I get where you are at and you are healing a broken heart.   As you continue to heal, the shackles will fall at your feet.  You will create emotional and spiritual freedom for yourself, generations to come and generations that passed on.  Do the work that feels difficult.

Prepare a space that is safe for you to BE.  Prepare a space to be your sanctuary.  Prepare a space so that others may also feel and experience peace, healing and heaven on earth in that space and in your presence.  That they will know by being in your presence, they are also in the presence of God.


Tuesday, May 20, 2014

what if. . .

What if I choose to live my DREAMS?  What if I choose to step outside of my comfort zone?  What if I choose to move faraway from the life I love here in Utah?  What if I choose to create a new life where every damn thing is foreign to me? What if I choose to trust my INTUITION?  What if I choose to STOP listening to all my self doubts?  What if I choose to believe in myself?  What if I choose to leave all my loved ones?  What if I create a new BEAUTIFUL LIFE?  What if I could still practice massage in a foreign country?  What if I stopped stressing about what the future holds and just TRUST?  WHAT IF. . .  WHAT IF. . . WHAT IF. . .

What would happen if I took a leap of faith and did move to London? The answer that keeps coming to me is. . .JUST GO!


Wednesday, May 14, 2014


The belief of immortality is broken
Mankind not even provoked to stay
Earth's illusions have spoken
Reality shine in the light of day.

Departed and gone astray
Earth sheds no tears for death
I am fallen, will you follow me this way?
But the thought of you stayeth.

Life continues all around us
Creators of our consequences
Know that infinity continually surrounds us.

August 2005


Monday, March 31, 2014

fourteen truths I learned from cancer

A few days ago a friend of mine relapsed with colon cancer.  I do not know the details of the situation or his prognosis from the oncologist, yet.  My heart aches for him and his family as I know they are searching for answers and peace.

Hearing about my friend and his relapse has caused some reflection on my own experiences with cancer, my search for answers and finding peace.  The following are things I learned along the way with being a cancer warrior myself.
  1. I discovered joy, happiness and self worth.
  2. I rocked a bald head proudly and refused to wear hats and scarves (unless it was windy or cold outside).
  3. It taught me to live in the present moment.
  4. Stop avoiding emotional pain, because when I avoid I create physical disease.
  5. It saved my life.
  6. It was not a "trial," it was an opportunity to let God heal my heart.
  7. It is one of my greatest blessings.
  8. I learned to receive the love God has for me.
  9. I learned to receive the love that friends, family, doctors, nurses and complete strangers have for me.
  10. I learned that as I receive love, my heart expands and I give love more sincerely and authentically.
  11. I had a second chance at life (2x).
  12. Sometimes healing looks differently then I expect. 
  13. Just because someone transitions and passes on into the next life doesn't mean they didn't receive the healing they needed or deserve.
  14. If I had a chance to rewrite my life's journey with cancer, I wouldn't change it because of the lessons learned and blessings received from the experience.
Once again, I choose to embrace my cancer journey with gratitude.  I am continually learning that healing is a choice every day of my life and a journey back to God.

Friends, I invite each of you to take a look at what you and others might look at as a struggle, trial or crisis and find the blessings and truth in your own life and experiences.

My sister, Rebekah and me right before I shaved my head.  I honestly did not know how thin my hair was or how sickly I looked until after I shaved it.

Two of my best friends Jill, Rhianna and me right after shaving my head for the first time.  Jill offered to shave it for me and did a fabulous clean smooth job.  This night I learned a lot about the fixed beliefs we have about hair.  Well, I have never felt more beautiful or radiant then I did that night.   This is the night I decided to rock the baldness.


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

darkness of a new beginning

Seven years ago:
My life spiraled out of control.  I struggled to find any hope and light in my life for about two years.  I made choices that resulted in chaos, confusion and pain in my life.  I have few fond memories and feelings of those years.  During that time I experienced "good" friends excluding me from hanging out.  I know there were times friends did this on purpose and other times they forgot to invite.  Even more than the hurt of being excluded, I felt God had abandoned me.  To describe those two years in simple terms, I was living in a dark abyss, hurting and in turn hurting others.  To this day, I still experience moments pained by the hurt, chaos and confusion I created those six and seven years ago.

I am grateful to know now, God never abandoned me.  I abandoned God.  Earthly angels came into  my life who gave me unconditional love, friendship, joy, laughter, peace and brought hope back to my life.  These angels saved a human life, mine.  Thank you Emily Dent, Shauntel McAffee and Rhianna Missman for shining your light.

Present day:
Hello darkness.  We know each other well.  It looks to me you have returned to teach another lesson.  

What I know now about these dark moments, days, nights and weeks of my soul is that this time it's not the results of choices I made and I am not creating chaos and confusion.  This darkness is about letting go of my past, forgiving myself, forgiving others, healing, trusting the process and trusting God so that I can live in the NOW.

Dear Darkness, thank you for returning.  Without you I could not have a new beginning.  Because of you I know God is always with me, guiding and loving me. Love, Carolina.


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

i changed my stars

Written by Julia Sanders

Looking in the mirror one day when I was a teenager I cringed, "I can't believe I'm that girl."  There I stood, 215 lbs and counting.

When I was in sixth grade I weighed about 120 lbs and my dad told me, "If you just maintain that weight, that would be perfectly healthy."  That was the last time I remembered looking at a scale and seeing any number in the 120's.

I don't recall when I started gaining weight.  Puberty probably had something to do with it, but there I was in high school over 200 lbs.  I was "that girl."

Throughout my teens and early twenties I tried everything.  I walked in the mornings with my dad.  I did Atkins diet.  I even did this absurd "diet" where I just wouldn't eat anything until I lost 5 lbs in the week and then I'd just maintain that (That ended abruptly when a friend of my sister's found out and swiftly and painfully punched me in the arm and told me that if she found out I was keeping that up she would be SO mad at me.  I didn't realize at the time that that was pretty much anorexia).  Nothing worked and nothing lasted.

Then one day, when I was 23 I was in the shower and I realized my life was never going to change.  With the way I was, my life was as good as it was going to get, and I just wept.

One day at my parent's, my mom was reading an article on Gastric Band surgery.  She had me read the article and told me, "If this is something you are interest in, we will help you pay for it!"

I was interested.

I researched it for a year before deciding to do it.  I knew everything there was to know.  I also knew it was possible to cheat it and that terrified me.

The night before my surgery I was so scared that this would be just one more thing that I failed at, but this time it was going to cost my parents and me a LOT of money.

My goal for the surgery wasn't to get skinny.  In fact I didn't expect that I would.  My goal was to get skinnier and better yet, healthier.  My goal weight was 173 lbs.  That was the lowest weight I had gotten to when I did Atkins in 2003 (I had gotten back up to 225 prior to the surgery in 2007).  My research showed that the average person would lose up to 50% of their excess body weight.  I had 80 lbs. of excess body weight, so losing over 50 lbs. was exceeding that average.

I asked one of the nurses if it was possible to lose all of my excess body weight, she told me it was.  I had a new goal.

The thing with this surgery is, the band is a tool.  If used properly you can be successful, but as previously mentioned it can be cheated.  It is a forced portion control, but you decide what those portions are, and some items won't be affected by the band at all.  Liquid calories and such.

I had surgery on June 18, 2007.  I used this band as a tool.  In the first six months I lost 42 lbs.  I am a person that is motivated by results, the more weight I lost the more I could physically do.  The more I could do the more I would do and the more weight I would lose.  By June 18, 2008 I had lost all 80 lbs of my excess body weight.

October 2008 I ran my first 5k.  November my second.  July 2009 I hiked Mt. Timpanogos.  October 2011 I ran my first half marathon, April 2012 my second and September 2013 my third.  In July 2012 I completed my first triathlon and July 2013 my second.  I have competed in 13 different races.  They say that after about three years of having the band most people will start to gain the weight again.  In 2012, my fifth year after surgery, I lost my hundredth pound.  As of the end of November 2013 and six and a half year in, I was 2 lbs lower than that.

The difference this time?  I wasn't expecting or hoping for a quick fix.  I was ready to make a life change.  Prior to surgery I ate crap all the time and I lived a sedentary life.  Now I am very cautious of what I eat.  My habits have changed.  I learned how to eat and found foods that I like that are actually good for me.  Nutrition is THE BIGGEST  part of losing weight.  If you don't understand that, you can't make lasting changes.

There is no such thing as a diet.  You have to be ready to make changes for the rest of your life or I guarantee it won't last.  No matter how much weight you lose on a crash diet, if you don't keep it up forever or make the necessary permanent changes, it can't last.

I sometimes struggle with the thought that I didn't do it on my own.  I struggle knowing that I needed to have surgery to get to this point.  But  the fact of the matter is, I did.  I needed something to be the catalyst to my weight loss.  I needed a jump start.  But once I got it, I literally hit the ground running and never looked back.  I know that I never would have gotten to where I'm at without that jump start, but I also did the work to come as far as I have.  The surgery could only take me so far.

My life is completely different than it was when I was that girl crying in the shower.  Since I had surgery I have been bunging jumping, sky diving, scuba diving, water skiing, rock climbing, wake boarding, snow boarding, parasailing and zip-lining.  I've done 5k's, 10k's, half marathons and triathlons.  I went from a size 18 to a size 4.  My life has so much more potential now.  I don't think I will ever stop being amazed that I did it.  Sometimes I can't believe that I was ever that girl, but even more I can't believe that I'm not anymore.  I feel so grateful to have seen both ends of the spectrum, but I also take credit for the work I had to do to get to where I am.

To quote a Knight's Tale, "I changed my stars."


About Julia:
I am a recovering food-a-holic.  I am a singer, wannabe athlete, wannabe outdoor enthusiast (I'm working on the wannabe's), romantic and believer in miracles. The girl I am today is constantly trying to outdo myself.  I'm always reaching for the next goal and challenge.  This hasn't always been the case.  I used to be confined to a body that was capable of so little.  Since losing weight I can't seem to test my body enough.

My main goal and ambition is to be a motivation to those who are trying to lose weight and who don't believe it's possible anymore.  I am proof that it is!  One thing that helps me the most in my change is seeing others who have been down a similar path.  I want to now be that person for others.  My message is one that I got from the movie "A Knight's Tale."  It is possible to change your stars.

NOTE: If you would like to enjoy more of Julia's stories, life experiences and sense of humor, here is a link to her blog.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

resources for a healthy balance

Contributors: Kellie Mae Post, Bliss Stinson and Caroline White

My guest contributors and I put together a list of resources we use to assist us in having physical, emotional and spiritual healthy balance in our lives. Enjoy!
  • The Beautiful Truth
  • Food, Inc.
  • Food Matters
  • Forks Over Knives
  • Fresh
  • The Gerson Miracle
  • The Living Matrix
  • The Milk Documentary
  • Seeds of Death


  • The 3-Season Diet; John Douillard
  • The China Study; T. Collin Campbell
  • Eat and Heal; FC&A Medical Publishing
  • Eat to Live; Joel Fuhrman, MD
  • Forks Over Knives; Gene Stone
  • The Four Agreements; Don Miguel Ruiz
  • Heal Your Life; Louise Hay
  • Intuitive Eating; Evelyn Tribole
  • A New Earth; Eckhart Tolle
  • Omnivore's Dilemma; Michael Pollan
  • The Power of Now; Eckhart Tolle
  • A Return to Healing: Radical Healthcare Reform and the Future of Medicine; Len Saputo, MD
  • The Seven Spiritual Laws of Yoga; Deepak Chopra
  • The Sprouting Book; Ann Wigmore
  • Super Immunity; Joel Fuhrman, MD
  • The Wheatgrass Book; Ann Wigmore


  • A World of Wisdom; Amy Cox Jones
  • Eat to Live Cookbook; Joel Fuhrman, MD
  • Forks Over Knives Cookbook; Del Sproufe

Locations for Education:

  • Dave's Health and Nutrition (Salt Lake City, UT area)
  • Good Earth Natural Foods (Salt Lake City and Provo, UT area)
  • Library
  • Shirlyn's Natural Foods (Salt Lake City, UT area)


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

confessions of a health nerd

Written by Bliss Stinson

My name is Bliss and I am a health nerd.  It's true, I get high off of buying healthy foods from the store.  I know, NERDY!  I have a wonderful husband and a sweet little two year old girl.  We are a plant-based wholefood eating family and have been living this lifestyle for a year and a half.  We mainly consume whole grains, fruits, vegetables, legumes and nuts; AVOIDING dairy, meat, eggs, processed foods and things made with GMOs...and we love it!

Even though I just told you a summary of what we eat...  you're probably still thinking, "So... what DO you eat?"  Milk, cheese, eggs, modified cornstarch and high fructose corn syrup are in everything that is packaged, right?!  It's nearly true!  To combat this, we cook basically everything from scratch and do a lot of yummy substituting.  For instance, we make stuff like tofu- spinach- quinoa lasagna, vegan cashew cheesecake (amazing!) and veggie bean enchiladas.  Because our society has it so backwards, it has taken a lot of hard work, research and effort to learn how to cook and eat this way.  But I'm here to vouch that it CAN be done!  Not only is it possible but it is so doable (even with young kids around) and worth it!!!

How we came to eat this way
What finally led us to this lifestyle was the documentary "Forks Over Knives."  It gave us a deep look into how dairy, meat and processed foods affect our body.  We bought the Forks Over Knives cookbook and lived a strict vegan diet for three months.  Within those three months, my husband lost 35 lbs, without exercising at all!  His transformation was amazing.  Although I was already in shape, I shed 10 lbs as well.  Eating this way truly did make us lean, but more importantly it gave our body the fresh nutrients it was looking for without the added crap.

After a few months we created a custom diet that felt balanced for our family.  We started incorporating a few fish, egg and dairy products here and there: eggs for cornbread and pancakes once in a while, cheese for homemade pizza, etc.  We call ourselves plant-based eaters instead of "vegan" because for us it's not about NOT eating certain foods necessarily, but more about making room for veggies and whole foods in our diet.

We've been careful about what we feed our little girl.  She's grown up on this lifestyle which has been so nice for me to have her used to eating healthy from the get go.  She's obsessed with eating granola for breakfast and eats spinach salad like it's no big deal (so proud that my two year old eats salad!).  Kids don't come into this world programmed for chicken nuggets and fruit snacks.  You program them by what you give them.  They can be programmed at any time as long as you stick with it.  It's never too late!

Common Concerns about plant-based eating

  • But eating healthy is so EXPENSIVE!  ...and so is healthcare. "Let food be thy medicine."  ...if you do more, you save more. can't buy all the crap AND healthy food and stay in your budget.  You have to cut the crap out.  We have an $80 weekly food budget for a family of three that we are able to maintain with our plant-based lifestyle.  The way we are able to do this is because we don't buy expensive items like cheese, meats, treats, etc.
  • What if my family doesn't like it?  If your family is used to fatty, sugary, addictive foods, expect complaints.  It's going to be a big transition.  It can still be an enjoyable one if you make it a family endeavor, instead of you forcing them.  Have your kids assist you in picking meals, shop and cook together.  Make it fun and move slowly.
  • A plant strong diet does not appeal to me because I don't like salad.  Plant based foods can include breakfasts, salads, soups, stews and chilies, wraps, pasta dishes, stir-fry, grilled and hashed vegetable dishes, stuffed and baked veggies, beans, grains, casseroles and desserts.  It's not just salad!
  • What about vitamins, potassium or calcium? What about calorie counts and carbohydrates, fat and protein?  Adopt an overall healthful dietary pattern: a low-fat, plant based diet composed of wholefoods.  Don't worry about eating particular foods in order to get enough of certain nutrients.  Focus instead on eating (and enjoying!) the wide variety of fruits, vegetables, beans and legumes, whole grains and other ingredients available over the course of each day, each week, each month and each year.  These foods combined will naturally steer you on your way toward optimal health." ~Del Sproufe
Principles to follow                                                                                                         
Following these principles really helped my family transition slowly but consistently into a healthy lifestyle, not a diet.

  • Shop by the label.  Don't worry about how much fat or sugar is in an item, etc., worry about what you are actually in-taking.  Look at the ingredients first.  Is there a paragraph of ingredients listed?  (Yes? That's bad.)  Can you pronounce them? (No? That's bad.)  Do you even know what they are?  (No? That's bad too!)  These are signs that your food is overly processed.  Buy packaged items that only have 3-5 ingredients in them.  Pay attention to what the first three ingredients are because they are the most potent in the food.
  • Avoid GMO's and other ingredients.  While you are shopping by the label, be sure to avoid modified starch, hydrogenated oils, sugar and high fructose corn syrup.  Modified cornstarch is in almost everything processed (canned, packaged, frozen meals, sauces, etc.).  There are many different names for it too. Do your research!
  • Pick one item at a time that you will either stop buying, replace or substitute.  First we decided to stop buying jam and use honey instead.  Second we then started buying natural peanut butter instead of Jif's.  Third we began substituting agave nectar, maple syrup, honey or molasses in any recipe that calls for sugar.  These little steps can make a huge difference in your health, taste buds, etc.  Just take it one stage at a time.
  • Plan your meals out a week at a time.  There are lots of wholefood/vegan bloggers out there.  My current favorite is When you plan it is easier to stay on top of what you eat.
  • Cooking healthy meals will take more time than popping something into the microwave.  If you really care about your health, sacrifice and prioritize to make time for food preparation.  As you learn to cook this way and become familiar with all the different ingredients it won't take you as long.
Tips for getting your kid to eat better
  • Add pureed fruit, vegetables or beans to any meal. Such as pastas, casseroles, muffins, pies or desserts. 
  • Green smoothies are a great way to incorporate leafy greens.
  • Add 2-3 variety of vegetables to your dinner table.  Let your kids choose what they like.
Mottos we live by
  • Food is fuel.
  • I focus on what I do eat, not what I don't.
  • I have the freedom to eat whatever I want.  I have a choice.
  • I do not have a diet, I maintain a lifestyle.
  • Progress is progress.
  • The more you do yourself the more save (financially and on your waistline).
  • Eat to live, don't live to eat.
  • If it's not nutritious don't eat it.
Eating this way has seriously blessed my family's life.  I hope that you feel motivated to really take a hold of your life and give your body the nutrition it deserves.  You can still enjoy the holidays while finding a healthy balance.  I know it's possible, because I am doing it!


About Bliss:
Bliss is passionate about leading a healthy and balanced life.  Here is a link to her blog.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

bring it 30!

Last year for my 29th birthday there were a few things I wanted to do before turning 30. You can read that post here.  How did I do?
  • I graduated from massage school and I am now a licensed massage therapist.
  • I gained 7 lbs (13 lbs to go).
  • I wrote on my blog averaging 2.66666 per month.
  • I did not go skiing or snowboarding, but still want to do that sometime in this lifetime.
  • I was asked to be on the board of directors for a non-profit organization.
  • I love serving and being part of my community this past year.  I am committed to continue doing so this next year and for the rest of my life.
  • I didn't finish my quilt.  Maybe I'll complete it 2014.
  • I did a lot of yoga and meditation, but no retreat. 
  • I love sharing my experiences and things I am learning about nutrition with others, but did not teach an "official" nutrition class.
29 has been a fabulous year and 30 is going to be even better.  The things I would like to do, accomplish and be part of this coming year is:
  • Start my own massage business.
  • Continue my massage education in Thai Yoga and eastern modalities.
  • Begin my formal education with herbology, Ayurveda and nutrition.
  • Finish my quilt. 
  • Gain 13 lbs.
  • Continue to write on my blog twice a month.
  • Have a daily practice of meditation. 
  • Have a yoga practice 3-4x a week.
  • Take horseback riding lessons (*hint, hint, cough, cough Kami, West, Rhianna and Jill).
  • Serve in my community; volunteer and staff at Impact Training for Quest and Summit trainings 2x each.
  • Go on spontaneous adventures once a month.
Yes 30 is going to be a wonderful and exciting year.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

my balance and what works for me

Written by Kilene McFadden

I am grateful that I am able to lead a healthy life.  I have learned through trial and error what works for my healthy development and what has not.

I was diagnosed with depression and Obssesive Compulsive Disorder when I was thirteen years old.  My doctors put me on Zoloft and I took it without question until twenty-six years of age.  I know that it numbed my issues.  I also had what was always assumed to be Psoriasis, an uncomfortable dry, itchy and flaky skin disease.

When I was twenty-six, I was seeing a counselor, who suggested I see a Naturopathic physician.  I had never been to a natural doctor before and went without hesitation.  What a gigantic fundamental step to a healthy progression for me!!!  He did some blood work and found my thyroid was not functioning properly.  Before college I was a fairly petite girl and during college I put on some freshman weight, and more.  After finding out that I had hypothyroidism, it became very clear as to why I was having depressive symptoms and a challenging time losing weight.  I was frequently at the gym and watching my diet.   My wonderful doctor prescribed me Naturthyroid.  Within two weeks of taking it I lost ten pounds.

Last year I found out that I am allergic to wheat and dairy.  This change in my eating habits has blessed me so much!  I feel an increased vitality and my emotional state has truly changed for the better.  I continue to exercise to keep my mind and body rejuvenated and strong.  I deserve the balance and energy so I can take care of my two beautiful children.

What I have learned about nutrition and well being has come over many years of experimentation.  I work hard to eat clean, exercise daily, drink adequate amounts of water and get enough sleep.  I am not perfect and will always be a work in progress.  Just this year I have changed more physically and emotionally then I have before because I make an effort everyday and then make adjustments as I see fit.  This has made a difference in my confidence and my desire to be a happier and healthier me!


About Kilene:
Kilene was born 1979, in Texas.  The majority of her life she was raised in North Dakota.  She was privileged to live in Belgium for four years as a little girl.  She feels so blessed and happy to share some of the lessons she learned over the years.

She is married to an incredible man and together they have to gorgeous little blessings.  She is mostly a busy mom.  In her free time she does massage, works as a health coach for Beach Body and makes the most out of each day.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

thought patterns to cultivate

Written by Kellie Mae

We live in a variety of environments.  One of the most important ones is the environment within.  The environment that we create with our thoughts, thought patterns and desires.  It is where we make decisions, compute the world, interact with ourself and come to know who we are.  Within, we give place to our ACTions and REACTions, have desires, wants, needs and where all of those things become interpreted and living manifestations.  The lives we want to create and allow to be are determined by how fertile the soil is to grow and how the thought patterns cultivate what is there.

I first began thinking of my thoughts when I was introduced to a book from Louise Hay, a metaphysical teacher.  She invites you to begin to pay attention to your thoughts and be honest with what you find and see that they can change if they need to.  It is a thought and a thought can change.  The fertile soil within us comes from our thought patterns.  The thought patterns that we allow cultivate and create determine the life we are creating and allowing to grow.

I decided to apply this to the thoughts I had of myself and began to pay attention to all the reflective surfaces a round me.  I discovered when I looked at myself I had thoughts about myself, most of them judgmental in a negative way: Look at my hair, oh fat, I don't really like this shirt, or I look sad/tired/ugly, etc.  I found I was saying things to myself that would never say to anyone else.  This created a negative, unhealthy, even sometimes hostile environment and the positive, happy life I wanted was unable to take root.  I was blinded by these thought patterns and couldn't see the forest of trees.  The positive interactions that were what I wanted and thought I was cultivating.  I wanted to have people love me, but I did not see or receive when others would compliment.  When someone told me I was pretty I would excuse or say something negative really fast:

Them: "Good Job."  Me: "I messed up."

Them: "You look pretty."  Me: "My hair wouldn't do what I wanted it to."

A thought is a thought and a thought can change.  I began to create more abundant, fertile thought patterns by saying I love me when I looked at myself in mirrors, windows, toasters, microwave doors, computer screens and wherever I noticed seeing me.  And I began to "see" me.  For the truth that I am.  A beauty FULL, strong, changing for the better, woman.  Not perfect, but perfecting.  Healthier, more truthful, honest, and POSITIVE thoughts led to manifestations in my mind, body and spirit.  A greater balance of my Being.  The happiness I had always wanted and knew was to be in my life began to take root.

The natural things or fruit, that manifested due to happier thought patterns were losing 85 lbs, improved relationships, acceptance of the truths others spoke about me, a happy relationship with food, an increased desire for the happiness of others, running races (including a marathon and several half marathons), freedom from binding negativity, increased peace and deeper meditations.  I love myself enough to allow and accept others to love me.  I found deeper, more meaningful, powerful and absolute JoyFULLest relationships have come into my life and stayed.  I am worth it.  It has deepened my love of myself, life and all around me.  I know that people are genuine and as I have a greater love for me, I see their honest love and care of me and desire for my happiness.  No one is twisting their arms to be nice to me.  This has nurtured healthy relationships, sacred human moments, and I allowed them to stay and be my most favorite from things I've grown.

I still have negative thoughts and experiences that stretch and expand me.  For example, there are occurences that come to strengthen and nurture relationships.  Ones that come that bring us to a deeper love and knowledge of ourselves, even if that includes change.  I used to perceive that if things change, if a thought pattern needs to shift, that I had done something wrong.  I know now that change is necessary to progress and continue to grow.  What worked for me yesterday may not work for me today.  I am open to change and that change increases my love of myself and welcomes positive growth.

A friend from China who is Buddhist described experiences this way: You are a tree and things come that move you like the wind.  They blow and move through your branches, but you are rooted and these experiences strengthen your roots.  Through this description of being a tree, I see things so differently now.  I don't label things as bad or good.  I move through them and have increased faith and happiness.  I allow thoughts to occur to me, not define me.  The ones that I choose to cultivate, I choose to apply in a healthy, increasing light and love kind of way.  I increased connection with my emotions and find the balance that comes when I utilize my thoughts to guide me through understanding and trust.

A practice of yoga has also greatly improved this balance.  It quiets my mind and brings me to now.  I seek moments of stillness found in nature, quiet meditations, peaceful seekings found in temples of my faith and sacred human moments.  If I rehash and stay in the past or worry about the what ifs of the future, I separate myself from me, from my sacred present and begin to feel I don't have a choice.  When I take a deep breath and bring myself to NOW in my thinking, I find I learn from the past.  I don't live in it and I trust the future to bring me increased happiness, joy and deeper connection.  I learned to change thoughts of unhealthy or unattainable expectations and embrace the manifestations of truth and beauty.  I do not hold others to what I expect them to do or how they need to fulfill what I want and desire.  They, too, are learning and cultivating their own environment and experiences.  We can be a blessing to each other and by not determining how that will look has allowed our relationships to grow and deepen.

The "negative" happenings of life are what I now call soul stirring experiences.  It gives me power and recognition of my choice.  I create and cultivate more openly and beautifully, manifesting in a stronger body, art work, written words, song writing and deeper more meaningful relationships with myself, family, friends and all I'm blessed to connect with daily.

One of my most improved relationships has been my connection with food.  If something went wrong, I would eat.  A lot.  If something went right, I would celebrate with food.  A lot.  It was therapy, my crutch and a source that I led myself to think was one of the only happinesses I had in my life.  I was not utilizing food for its purpose.  I found that I would eat and never even taste my food.  Now, as I have a more healthy and deeply rooted positive relationship with myself and thought patterns, I eat to sustain my life and to celebrate and enjoy in moderation.  It has created a greater energy and improvement to my running and the way I live my life.  I am more confident and reach out more to those around me.  I want to share my happiness and I have greater confidence in who I am and what I can accomplish, for myself and those around me.  I still eat for enjoyment.  I will buy a box of Captain Crunch and eat the entire one sitting...with a very big grin on my face.  As I do this though, I don not have guilt because of balanced choices I make and thoughts I have.  I also truly enjoy vegetables and fruits.  My thoughts and connections to myself show in my choice of food.  This positive connection to food continually improves my thought patterns and cultivates greater happiness in my life.

A healthy and nurturing environment is what we need.  As we approach this, we can see that balanced change can take place.  Like pruning a tree, we need the knowledge to do it.  To remove and add branches (thought patterns and actions), to strengthen our roots and allow growth to take place and trusting our processes takes love, care, understanding and the release of fear.  It is important to have love and patience, not removing all the bad without cultivating and strengthening the good.  It is a balancing act and takes patient attention.  Einstein said that if he had ever thought of anything great, it was owing more to patient attention than to any other talent.  We need our own patient attention.  Our thought are a powerful beginning.  Cultivate and LIVE Greatness.  It is not only in all of us, IT IS US.

Namaste and Happy thoughts to you.
Kellie Mae

About Kellie Mae:
Kellie grew up in the lovely land of Sandy, Utah amongst four sisters and incredible parents, travelling, adventuring and becoming.

Their home became a four generation, twelve person home where laughter and service were daily occurrences.  She attended the University of Utah, receiving a bachelors in Medical Laboratory Sciences, specializing in Cytotechnology.  Kellie spent a year and a half in Oregon coming to know myself, serving and loving the people that became family as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

She spend her time now in and around the beautiful Heber Valley and wherever her free spirit carries me - being Kellie...a singer/song writer, artist, creator, writer and cytologist.

Kellie is a lover of cereal, people, happiness, canoeing in the Red Ninja, discovery, change, beanies, peace, mountains, Alaska, running, adventure, connection, family, friends and doing something every day that scares her.

Monday, November 4, 2013

happy "healthy" holidays

It always seems that when the holidays come around every year I often hear friends complain about all the sweets, worrying about weight gain and being unhealthy.  This year I decided to focus on the positive and create a healthy holiday season.  For the months of November and December I am focusing my blog on being physically, emotionally and spiritually balanced and healthy.

I am asking a few friends who inspire me to be guest contributors and share their experience in creating a healthy life.  There will be a post every Wednesday to inspire having a healthy holiday season.

First post will be Wednesday November 6.


Sunday, October 27, 2013

the perfect environment...not!

My thinking unhappy thoughts leads to me feeling unhappy.  My feeling unhappy leads to unhappy attitude.  My miserable, not so good, unhappy attitude leads to me being unhappy.  My being = unhappy girl.

I am blaming part of my unhappiness on my current job.  I strongly dislike my job and I am miserable.  I believe it's important to enjoy where I work and be surrounded by positive things.  I believe that being in a good and happy environment does wonderful things for my health.  I've had no desire to be there from day one and because of that I haven't put much effort into my actual job.  I love the massage part of it, but everything else I am very negative towards.  My negativity is effecting me as a person, it's effecting my thoughts, effecting my attitude about getting another job, effecting the massage I give and effecting my confidence as an individual. I realized that I am being negative and pessimistic about where I work, I'm afraid of getting another massage job and that I won't enjoy giving massage.  This makes me so sad because I love massage and bodywork.

I haven't been thriving in my work environment, but I am learning to be confident in myself and in places that I am uncomfortable.  I am learning that if I wait for the perfect environment to be there I will have missed much opportunity to make a difference.  My heart is in the right place and I want to do what God asks me to do, but how can I even be open to what God asks me to do, if I'm negative all the time.

My job is not the perfect environment.  It is the perfect opportunity to make a difference and bless those lives around me.  Yes, I am going to look for work else where, but I am also going to be happy where I am at, enjoy the work I do and make my environment a better place.

Cheers to creating the perfect opportunity to bless and touch all of God's children who I come in contact with in my life. God bless us everyone!


Thursday, October 24, 2013

what does namaste mean?

Namaste is commonly associated with yoga, but this can apply to all of us as we choose love, truth, light and peace in our lives.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

the God letter

My dear Child,

What you choose to experience in your heart will be reflected in your life.  If you choose to be insecure about your physical body, weight, appearance or personality you will experience being jealous, judging, or comparing yourself to others.  Know this, that is your own experience and it doesn't mean it's right.  It doesn't mean it's wrong.  It is what it is.  It's not truth.  It's only an experience of your choosing.

The truth is, you are my child.  You are an infinite divine child of God.  There is no expectation of what you must be or what you must do to be good enough for me or be good enough for yourself.  I created you and I only create perfection. You are enough.  You are whole.  You are complete.  

You are a free agent to choose what you create and reflect in this world.  I am here supporting and loving you on this journey of discovery and creation.  Remember, I do not hate, judge or discriminate any of my children (including you!). 

Until next time,


Thursday, September 26, 2013

opinions and perceptions

"Opinions mean nothing; they may be beautiful or ugly, clever or foolish, anyone can embrace or reject them." ~Hermann Hesse, from the book Siddhartha

"It is impossible not to believe what you see, but it is equally impossible to see what you do not believe.  Perceptions are built upon the basis of experience, and experience leads to beliefs.  It is not until beliefs are fixed that perceptions stabilize.  In effect, then, what you believe you do see." ~A Course in Miracles p. 207

"Look into the nature of things. Search out the grounds of your opinions, the for and against." ~Francis Wright

"The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions." ~Leonardo da Vinci

"There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change there opinions and those who won't." ~Josh Billings

"Modern morality is all about perception." ~Rachel Cusk


Thursday, September 5, 2013


I am not a hater.  I AM a lover.
I am not a fighter.  I AM a peacegiver.
I am not awkward or disfigured.  I AM graceful.
I am not confined.  I AM free.
I am not insufficient.  I AM abundant.
I am not deceitful.  I AM honest.
I am not shallow.  I AM genuine and authentic.
I am not naive.  I AM pure.
I am not right or wrong.  I AM learning what works and what doesn't.
I am not a coward.  I AM courageous.
I am not corrupt.  I AM virtuous.
I am not needy.  I AM grateful for my blessings.
I am not condemning.  I AM forgiving.
I am not boring.  I AM magnificent.
I am not afflicted.  I AM joyful.
I am not a victim.  I AM a powerful creator.
I am not my story.  I AM a child of God.


Tuesday, September 3, 2013

winning the lottery

I get anxiety over all the money I owe in medical debt.  How I deal with the anxiety is by not opening my mail and avoiding it all together.  I wouldn't recommend this to anyone if you wish to sleep at night.

Finally one day I muster up some courage to face my fears and anxiety I created.  Sitting on my bedroom floor I begin opening bills at a snails pace one after another and organizing them into piles. One particular envelope contained a letter with no request for payment of damages.  It stated that I am approved for financial assistance through IHC and that they were also approving FA for past medical (two years previous) expenses that exceed $40,000.  I felt like I had one the lottery!

This experience happened a little more than a year ago and is one of the numerous blessings given to me in the year 2012.  For me, this is one reminder that when God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. 


Thursday, August 22, 2013

confident. light. whole.

Summer 2012
During a healing/meditation session with my friend Ruth Holmes, she asked me "If you didn't have cancer what would it feel like?"

My reply (these are not the words I used, but what I remember feeling): "It feels like confidence within myself.  I am a being of light and I shine brightly.  I am healed and whole. I am complete."

My personal mantra that came from this meditation session  is: "I am confident. I am light. I am whole."  I still say these words to myself because I am still healing.  As long as I am human, I will always going through the process of healing.

If I am confident then I let go of worry.  If I am confident then I have self-love.  If I am confident then I let go of jealousy and comparison.  If I am confident then I trust myself.  If I am light then I shine so brightly that it dissipates all darkness around me.  If I am light then I am pure of heart.  If I am light then I am creating happiness, joy and love in this world.  If I am whole then I am healed.  If I am whole then I am complete and nothing that I need is missing from my life.  If I am whole then I don't need to be fixed.