Tuesday, February 4, 2014

darkness of a new beginning

Seven years ago:
My life spiraled out of control.  I struggled to find any hope and light in my life for about two years.  I made choices that resulted in chaos, confusion and pain in my life.  I have few fond memories and feelings of those years.  During that time I experienced "good" friends excluding me from hanging out.  I know there were times friends did this on purpose and other times they forgot to invite.  Even more than the hurt of being excluded, I felt God had abandoned me.  To describe those two years in simple terms, I was living in a dark abyss, hurting and in turn hurting others.  To this day, I still experience moments pained by the hurt, chaos and confusion I created those six and seven years ago.

I am grateful to know now, God never abandoned me.  I abandoned God.  Earthly angels came into  my life who gave me unconditional love, friendship, joy, laughter, peace and brought hope back to my life.  These angels saved a human life, mine.  Thank you Emily Dent, Shauntel McAffee and Rhianna Missman for shining your light.

Present day:
Hello darkness.  We know each other well.  It looks to me you have returned to teach another lesson.  

What I know now about these dark moments, days, nights and weeks of my soul is that this time it's not the results of choices I made and I am not creating chaos and confusion.  This darkness is about letting go of my past, forgiving myself, forgiving others, healing, trusting the process and trusting God so that I can live in the NOW.

Dear Darkness, thank you for returning.  Without you I could not have a new beginning.  Because of you I know God is always with me, guiding and loving me. Love, Carolina.


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