fourteen truths I learned from cancer

A few days ago a friend of mine relapsed with colon cancer.  I do not know the details of the situation or his prognosis from the oncologist, yet.  My heart aches for him and his family as I know they are searching for answers and peace.

Hearing about my friend and his relapse has caused some reflection on my own experiences with cancer, my search for answers and finding peace.  The following are things I learned along the way with being a cancer warrior myself.

1. I discovered joy, happiness and self worth.
2. I rocked a bald head proudly and refused to wear hats and scarves (unless it was windy or cold outside).
3. It taught me to live in the present moment.
4. Stop avoiding emotional pain, because when I avoid I create physical disease.
5. It saved my life.
6. It was not a "trial," it was an opportunity to let God heal my heart.
7. It is one of my greatest blessings.
8. I learned to receive the love God has for me.
9. I learned to receive the love that friends, family, doctors, nurses and complete strangers have for me.
10. I learned that as I receive love, my heart expands and I give love more sincerely and authentically.
11. I had a second chance at life (2x).
12. Sometimes healing looks differently then I expect. 
13. Just because someone transitions and passes on into the next life doesn't mean they didn't receive the healing they needed or deserve.
14. If I had a chance to rewrite my life's journey with cancer, I wouldn't change it because of the lessons learned and blessings received from the experience.

Once again, I choose to embrace my cancer journey with gratitude.  I am continually learning that healing is a choice every day of my life and a journey back to God.

Friends, I invite each of you to take a look at what you and others might look at as a struggle, trial or crisis and find the blessings and truth in your own life and experiences.

My sister, Rebekah and me right before I shaved my head.  I honestly did not know how thin my hair was or how sickly I looked until after I shaved it.

Two of my best friends Jill, Rhianna and me right after shaving my head for the first time.  Jill offered to shave it for me and did a fabulous clean smooth job.  This night I learned a lot about the fixed beliefs we have about hair.  Well, I have never felt more beautiful or radiant then I did that night.   This is the night I decided to rock the baldness.

Namaste

darkness of a new beginning

Seven years ago:

My life spiraled out of control.  I struggled to find any hope and light in my life for about two years.  I made choices that resulted in chaos, confusion and pain in my life.  I have few fond memories and feelings of those years.  During that time I experienced "good" friends excluding me from hanging out.  I know there were times friends did this on purpose and other times they forgot to invite.  Even more than the hurt of being excluded, I felt God had abandoned me.  To describe those two years in simple terms, I was living in a dark abyss, hurting and in turn hurting others.  To this day, I still experience moments pained by the hurt, chaos and confusion I created those six and seven years ago.

I am grateful to know now, God never abandoned me.  I abandoned God.  Earthly angels came into  my life who gave me unconditional love, friendship, joy, laughter, peace and brought hope back to my life.  These angels saved a human life, mine.  Thank you Emily Dent, Shauntel McAffee and Rhianna Missman for shining your light.

Present day:

Hello darkness.  We know each other well.  It looks to me you have returned to teach another lesson.  

What I know now about these dark moments, days, nights and weeks of my soul is that this time it's not the results of choices I made and I am not creating chaos and confusion.  This darkness is about letting go of my past, forgiving myself, forgiving others, healing, trusting the process and trusting God so that I can live in the NOW.

Dear Darkness, thank you for returning.  Without you I could not have a new beginning.  Because of you I know God is always with me, guiding and loving me. Love, Carolina.

Namaste

what does namaste mean?

Namaste is commonly associated with yoga, but this can apply to all of us as we choose love, truth, light and peace in our lives.

Namaste.

I AM

I am not a hater.  I AM a lover.
I am not a fighter.  I AM a peacegiver.
I am not awkward or disfigured.  I AM graceful.
I am not confined.  I AM free.
I am not insufficient.  I AM abundant.
I am not deceitful.  I AM honest.
I am not shallow.  I AM genuine and authentic.
I am not naive.  I AM pure.
I am not right or wrong.  I AM learning what works and what doesn't.
I am not a coward.  I AM courageous.
I am not corrupt.  I AM virtuous.
I am not needy.  I AM grateful for my blessings.
I am not condemning.  I AM forgiving.
I am not boring.  I AM magnificent.
I am not afflicted.  I AM joyful.
I am not a victim.  I AM a powerful creator.
I am not my story.  I AM a child of God.

Namaste

confident. light. whole.

Summer 2012
During a healing/meditation session with my friend Ruth Holmes, she asked me "If you didn't have cancer what would it feel like?"

My reply (these are not the words I used, but what I remember feeling): "It feels like confidence within myself.  I am a being of light and I shine brightly.  I am healed and whole. I am complete."

My personal mantra that came from this meditation session  is: "I am confident. I am light. I am whole."  I still say these words to myself because I am still healing.  As long as I am human, I will always going through the process of healing.

If I am confident then I let go of worry.  If I am confident then I have self-love.  If I am confident then I let go of jealousy and comparison.  If I am confident then I trust myself.  If I am light then I shine so brightly that it dissipates all darkness around me.  If I am light then I am pure of heart.  If I am light then I am creating happiness, joy and love in this world.  If I am whole then I am healed.  If I am whole then I am complete and nothing that I need is missing from my life.  If I am whole then I don't need to be fixed.

Namaste

the perfection of love

Love is light: the living water of spirit - all else is like a dream.
Love is bliss: the essence of ecstasy, passion, joy and contentment.
Love is peace: it is harmony within and without.
Love is compassion: it is empathy, caring and nurturing.
Love is friendship: the celebration of kindred spirits.
Love is patience: trusting, never worried, nor hurried.
Love is appreciation: cherishing life's gifts, wonders and meaning.
Love is grateful: its blessings are not taken for granted.
Love is accepting: it is infinitely generous, not possessive.
Love is understanding: it is openhearted and faithful.
Love is giving: it is infinitely generous, not possessive.
Love is sharing: communion without envy, jealousy or greed.
Love is forgiving: never condemning, begrudging, nor vengeful.
Love is helpful: it fosters resolution and fulfillment.
Love is kind: never cruel, it is affectionate and supportive.
Love is gentle: embracing sensitivity and tenderness.
Love is strong: it cannot be conquered, subverted, broken or killed.
Love is courageous: stronger than evil, hate, fear and opinion.
Love is humble: perfect integrity without vain, pride or pretense.
Love is spontaneous: without preconception or rehearsal.
Love is expansive: creative, it grows and never shrinks.
Love is ennobling: it is the spirit of true greatness.
Love is enriching: it is life enhancing, the only real wealth.
Love is free: it cannot be sold, bought, captured, nor imprisoned.
Love is whole: indivisible, beyond dualities, separate parts of pieces.
Love is sane: it is neither imaginary nor delusional.
Love is infinite: beyond self, other than self, words and limits.
Love is constant: ageless, self-renewing and fade proof.
Love is now: this timeless, endless moment of creation.
Love is the original miracle: beginningless beginning, the Way, the Truth, and the Life, the key to the gates of Hell and Eden...
To really love is to realize perfection.

~Author Unknown

Namaste

sympathy? not so much!

Dearest friend,

Your husband was diagnosed with acute leukemia this week and I almost offered you my sympathy. I almost said the words to you that I hated hearing myself: "I'm sorry" or "that's horrible" or "that's tough" etc.  I didn't because I remembered my own journey with cancer.

I discovered within myself courage; that life is beautiful in every moment; trust in my Creator; trust in myself; my spiritual strength; I can do hard things; spiritual healing is a choice; by opening my heart to loving myself and receiving God's love for me I am healed.  This was and still is my experience with cancer.

You are on your own journey.  I will walk beside you and love you, but you are the one that has to walk it.  In your darkest moments remember "Peace be still and know that I am God."  I am excited for you and Houston and to see what you create.

Love always,

The 2x Cancer Warrior

Namaste

i wrote this for you

This week I have been praying (A LOT) for some extra love and asking God to send me an angel of compassion and kindness.  Well here are a few of them I would like to share with you. I don't usually mention names, but today I will because I want these people to know that something so small that they did has been a blessing to me this week.

Brian Abel, thank you for sharing your artwork with me.  It touches the deepest part of my soul.  Thank you for living your dreams. You shine so much love and light in this world by being true to yourself.

Shauntel Mcaffee, thank you for sharing your kiddos with me.  I loved playing dress up at Tazia's birthday party.

Christine Stewart, in class (touch for health) when I looked in you eyes I felt your unconditional love for me. Because of that I experienced God's unconditional love for me.  I really needed that.

Sharlene Dalley, thank you for asking me to hangout. I love our girl time.  Thank you for all the advice about massage school, licensing and being a therapist.  

Marmee, thank you for being my angel mother. Thank you for having a heart of gold.  Thank you for always giving everything 100%+1.  I am grateful to be your daughter. 

Rhianna Missman, thank you for calling me back.  I love our chats.  I love that we are soul sisters.  I love that we keep our contract and show up for each other.

Julia Sanders, thank you for chatting on facebook.  Thank you for asking me how I am doing.  Thank you for listening.

Ali Huggins, thank you for reading "THE DAY YOU READ THIS" in group this week.  My spirit deserved to hear that. Thank you for always being so awesome in yoga.  I will miss you when you move away.

Melanie Taylor, thank you for your laughter and silliness.  It is perfect timing that we are part of each others lives again.  This is a reminder to both of us that God's timing is the perfect timing.  Lets have fun and get crazy this summer.

Amber Parker, thank you for challenging me to inspire gratitude.  

Thank you to all of you who choose compassion, gentleness, love, forgiveness, humility, sincerity, and authenticity.  You are creating heaven on earth.

God, thank you for sending angels of love this week.  I know your listening.

Love, Cari

My friend Ali read this poem in my cancer support group this week and would like to share it with you.

THE DAY YOU READ THIS
On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realize there were no more fears to fear.  No tears to cry.  No head to hang in shame.  That every time you thought you'd offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that.  That everyone and everything lives on inside you.  That that doesn't make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.

That being alone means you're free.  That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you're with is the one you're meant to be with.  That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them.  That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough.  That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people.  That you laugh more than you cry.  That crying is good for you.  That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you.  That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them.  That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else.  That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you're judging them.  That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you'll ever fathom and should be treated as such.  That the difference between a job and art is passion.  That neither defines who you are.  That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world.  That life contradicts itself, constantly.  That that's why it's worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time.  That love is only as real as you want it to be.  That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn't always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it's up to you each day if you match it.  That nothing matters up until this point.  That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future.  Forever.

That rain is beautiful. And so are you!

Written by,
I wrote this for you

Namaste

angels

Let's face it, we're all human.  We've all been stuck in a rut.  We've all experienced fear, loneliness, pain and heartache.  We've all lost someone we love whether that be through death or for whatever reason they're no longer part of our lives anymore.  We've all had moments where we ask ourselves, we ask the Universe, we ask God . . .could it get any worse?  And then it does. But then something wonderful and beautiful happens. . .

God sends an angel to give love, strength, courage, healing, a gentle touch, hugs, light, hope and the list goes on.  These angels come in the form of mothers, fathers, siblings, pets, nature, friends and even strangers.

If we ever wonder or see someone struggling let's pray to love with more compassion, sincerity and with an open heart and ask the Universe and God to let spirit guide us.  Being open to spirit and what God asks me to do is my goal.  If I can do that, then I am the hands of God and angel to someone in need of light and love in there life.  Spirit is what makes the difference in my life because I know I am someones angel.

Namaste

i choose, i am, i know

The way I choose to love myself is. . .  with gentleness and kindness; letting go of my ego and forgiving all those who I "think" have hurt or wronged me; being open to all those who experience something different than me; trusting spirit with an open heart; letting go of expectations of myself, men, women, relationships, school or work; with joy and happiness; love begins with me by forgiving myself, trusting myself and loving myself.

I AM. . .  loving; kind; trusting God; connected to source and light; a giver and receiver; honest; accountable; joyful and silly; laughter; inspiring; creating healing; experiencing beauty; grounded; celebrating my life and the lives of all my soul brothers and sisters; beautiful; listening to spirit with an open heart; forgiving; learning, loving and living.

What I know. . . I am powerful; I create light and shine my light in dark places and dark spaces; I am at choice; I am a creator with God; I am a child of God; I am living, experiencing and giving light to all of God's creations; that I love to love; I create peace, celebration, forgiveness, joy and healing; that I have a purpose in this life; that I am always safe and my angels are here guiding and protecting me; I am loved very deeply by God, the Light, my angels and my soul brothers and sisters; I love being alive in this human body; I know that healing is a choice; God is in me, as me.

Namaste

love thyself, as thy neighbor

Have you ever felt like one word could describe a day, week, month or year of your life?  I know if I had to choose one word to describe this past year it would be balance.

I'm a lover of individuals and soul connection.  I'm good at it and always have been.  I have random conversations with strangers in grocery lines, at bus stops, churches, bars and coffee shops and these strangers turn into friends.  If I have ever connected with you heart to heart, my spirit probably is inspired and loves your spirit.

I believe love is an essential quality of living a prosperous and happy life.  That love has been very off-balance for a long time.  I believed a lie that I don't deserve to live my life for me and put everyone else first.

When I was re-diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, I knew it was a form of self-hatred and self-rejection. I was literally killing myself.  I struggled because I am a people pleaser, compared myself to everyone and beyond, looked outside myself for peace, joy and love I have craved.  I had forgotten the most important person, me.

I knew that it was a new time and season for me, an opportunity to make a different choice.  This journey was and still is about unconditional love for myself, claiming my worthiness, divinity and power within and living my life for me.

This past year has been extraordinarily beautiful because of the love I have been open to receiving from friends, family and for myself.  But most importantly, the love I receive from my Creator.  I know I am a child of God and a child of Light!

The gratitude I feel to God and the Universe for this experience, to bring me back to the balance of giving and receiving love.  I am able to love others more fully and openly.  I am confident in who I am.  I am confident in my ability to make a difference in this world.  I am confident that I can do hard things.
And so it is.

Namaste