darkness of a new beginning

Seven years ago:

My life spiraled out of control.  I struggled to find any hope and light in my life for about two years.  I made choices that resulted in chaos, confusion and pain in my life.  I have few fond memories and feelings of those years.  During that time I experienced "good" friends excluding me from hanging out.  I know there were times friends did this on purpose and other times they forgot to invite.  Even more than the hurt of being excluded, I felt God had abandoned me.  To describe those two years in simple terms, I was living in a dark abyss, hurting and in turn hurting others.  To this day, I still experience moments pained by the hurt, chaos and confusion I created those six and seven years ago.

I am grateful to know now, God never abandoned me.  I abandoned God.  Earthly angels came into  my life who gave me unconditional love, friendship, joy, laughter, peace and brought hope back to my life.  These angels saved a human life, mine.  Thank you Emily Dent, Shauntel McAffee and Rhianna Missman for shining your light.

Present day:

Hello darkness.  We know each other well.  It looks to me you have returned to teach another lesson.  

What I know now about these dark moments, days, nights and weeks of my soul is that this time it's not the results of choices I made and I am not creating chaos and confusion.  This darkness is about letting go of my past, forgiving myself, forgiving others, healing, trusting the process and trusting God so that I can live in the NOW.

Dear Darkness, thank you for returning.  Without you I could not have a new beginning.  Because of you I know God is always with me, guiding and loving me. Love, Carolina.

Namaste

happy birthday to me!

Today I am 29 years old.  I've decided that I am going to make it the best year of my twenties and go out with a bang.  This next year I will go to where I have never gone before and do things I have never done.

So... Where do I want to go and what do I want to do? 

• Go to massage therapy school and get my massage license
• Gain 20 lbs.
• Write on my blog twice a month
• Go snowboarding for the first time ever
• Get involved with a non-profit organization
• Be of service and volunteer regularly (1-4x month)
• Finish my quilt
• Go on a yoga retreat
• Teach a nutrition class

Now... How will I accomplish these things and get to where I want to go? 

First, be my powerful, courageous self and let my light shine.  Second, be open to the lessons that come my way and learn from them.  Third, let go of attachment and expectation that things have to look a certain way. Fourth, be open to change and that anything is possible.  Fifth, remember to breath and take one step at a time.  Sixth, live in the present moment, be conscious of choices, and love the journey.  Seventh, God is in the details.  God is everywhere and in everything. God is part of my process, my life and my journey.

Namaste.