fourteen truths I learned from cancer

A few days ago a friend of mine relapsed with colon cancer.  I do not know the details of the situation or his prognosis from the oncologist, yet.  My heart aches for him and his family as I know they are searching for answers and peace.

Hearing about my friend and his relapse has caused some reflection on my own experiences with cancer, my search for answers and finding peace.  The following are things I learned along the way with being a cancer warrior myself.

1. I discovered joy, happiness and self worth.
2. I rocked a bald head proudly and refused to wear hats and scarves (unless it was windy or cold outside).
3. It taught me to live in the present moment.
4. Stop avoiding emotional pain, because when I avoid I create physical disease.
5. It saved my life.
6. It was not a "trial," it was an opportunity to let God heal my heart.
7. It is one of my greatest blessings.
8. I learned to receive the love God has for me.
9. I learned to receive the love that friends, family, doctors, nurses and complete strangers have for me.
10. I learned that as I receive love, my heart expands and I give love more sincerely and authentically.
11. I had a second chance at life (2x).
12. Sometimes healing looks differently then I expect. 
13. Just because someone transitions and passes on into the next life doesn't mean they didn't receive the healing they needed or deserve.
14. If I had a chance to rewrite my life's journey with cancer, I wouldn't change it because of the lessons learned and blessings received from the experience.

Once again, I choose to embrace my cancer journey with gratitude.  I am continually learning that healing is a choice every day of my life and a journey back to God.

Friends, I invite each of you to take a look at what you and others might look at as a struggle, trial or crisis and find the blessings and truth in your own life and experiences.

My sister, Rebekah and me right before I shaved my head.  I honestly did not know how thin my hair was or how sickly I looked until after I shaved it.

Two of my best friends Jill, Rhianna and me right after shaving my head for the first time.  Jill offered to shave it for me and did a fabulous clean smooth job.  This night I learned a lot about the fixed beliefs we have about hair.  Well, I have never felt more beautiful or radiant then I did that night.   This is the night I decided to rock the baldness.

Namaste

sympathy? not so much!

Dearest friend,

Your husband was diagnosed with acute leukemia this week and I almost offered you my sympathy. I almost said the words to you that I hated hearing myself: "I'm sorry" or "that's horrible" or "that's tough" etc.  I didn't because I remembered my own journey with cancer.

I discovered within myself courage; that life is beautiful in every moment; trust in my Creator; trust in myself; my spiritual strength; I can do hard things; spiritual healing is a choice; by opening my heart to loving myself and receiving God's love for me I am healed.  This was and still is my experience with cancer.

You are on your own journey.  I will walk beside you and love you, but you are the one that has to walk it.  In your darkest moments remember "Peace be still and know that I am God."  I am excited for you and Houston and to see what you create.

Love always,

The 2x Cancer Warrior

Namaste

i wrote this for you

This week I have been praying (A LOT) for some extra love and asking God to send me an angel of compassion and kindness.  Well here are a few of them I would like to share with you. I don't usually mention names, but today I will because I want these people to know that something so small that they did has been a blessing to me this week.

Brian Abel, thank you for sharing your artwork with me.  It touches the deepest part of my soul.  Thank you for living your dreams. You shine so much love and light in this world by being true to yourself.

Shauntel Mcaffee, thank you for sharing your kiddos with me.  I loved playing dress up at Tazia's birthday party.

Christine Stewart, in class (touch for health) when I looked in you eyes I felt your unconditional love for me. Because of that I experienced God's unconditional love for me.  I really needed that.

Sharlene Dalley, thank you for asking me to hangout. I love our girl time.  Thank you for all the advice about massage school, licensing and being a therapist.  

Marmee, thank you for being my angel mother. Thank you for having a heart of gold.  Thank you for always giving everything 100%+1.  I am grateful to be your daughter. 

Rhianna Missman, thank you for calling me back.  I love our chats.  I love that we are soul sisters.  I love that we keep our contract and show up for each other.

Julia Sanders, thank you for chatting on facebook.  Thank you for asking me how I am doing.  Thank you for listening.

Ali Huggins, thank you for reading "THE DAY YOU READ THIS" in group this week.  My spirit deserved to hear that. Thank you for always being so awesome in yoga.  I will miss you when you move away.

Melanie Taylor, thank you for your laughter and silliness.  It is perfect timing that we are part of each others lives again.  This is a reminder to both of us that God's timing is the perfect timing.  Lets have fun and get crazy this summer.

Amber Parker, thank you for challenging me to inspire gratitude.  

Thank you to all of you who choose compassion, gentleness, love, forgiveness, humility, sincerity, and authenticity.  You are creating heaven on earth.

God, thank you for sending angels of love this week.  I know your listening.

Love, Cari

My friend Ali read this poem in my cancer support group this week and would like to share it with you.

THE DAY YOU READ THIS
On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realize there were no more fears to fear.  No tears to cry.  No head to hang in shame.  That every time you thought you'd offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that.  That everyone and everything lives on inside you.  That that doesn't make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.

That being alone means you're free.  That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you're with is the one you're meant to be with.  That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them.  That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough.  That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people.  That you laugh more than you cry.  That crying is good for you.  That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you.  That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them.  That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else.  That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you're judging them.  That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you'll ever fathom and should be treated as such.  That the difference between a job and art is passion.  That neither defines who you are.  That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world.  That life contradicts itself, constantly.  That that's why it's worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time.  That love is only as real as you want it to be.  That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn't always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it's up to you each day if you match it.  That nothing matters up until this point.  That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future.  Forever.

That rain is beautiful. And so are you!

Written by,
I wrote this for you

Namaste

why massage therapy?

I am an individual who has always been interested in healing the human soul both emotionally and spiritually.  It was a little more than three years ago that my attention was drawn to the cause of disease in the physical body.

Near the end of July 2009 I became very ill.   I felt constant fatigue.  Just getting out of bed was a chore for me.  Within a few days of becoming sick, I developed a large lump on my neck close to my collar bone.  I despise going to doctor's offices' and checkup appointments, but because I knew something abnormal was happening with my body I decided to go to the Instacare.  I explained to the doctor what was going on and he was very brief.  He told me I needed to go see an ENT specialist about the lump on my neck and then prescribed me antibiotics.  It bothered me a great deal that he would give me pharmaceutical drugs when he couldn't diagnose my problem.

A few weeks later I sat in an ENT doctor's office.  During the exam he asked me questions about my symptoms and then immediately ordered a chest x-ray, CT scan and biopsy.  I am grateful for this specialist because he showed me what it means to care about your profession and your patients.

On August 31, 2009 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma Disease.  Even though I knew something wasn't right, I was not expecting to be told that I had cancer.  I was shocked, emotional, distressed and didn't know what to expect.  Within a matter of minutes, maybe even seconds, a peaceful serenity enveloped me and I knew that this was not my time to go.

My experience with various doctors, having cancer and going through chemotherapy treatments has led me on a journey I never expected to travel.  What it has done for me is given my life direction, unconditional love  for mankind, and healing.  It has given me a passion to share with others that everyone has options to choose beyond conventional medical practice and that's something I didn't have.

My life's direction now is to create a space of healing, peace and compassion for individuals in their own lives on both a physical and spiritual level.

Namaste


NOTE: This is my entrance essay I wrote for admittance to Pacific College of Oriental Medicine in 2011.

love thyself, as thy neighbor

Have you ever felt like one word could describe a day, week, month or year of your life?  I know if I had to choose one word to describe this past year it would be balance.

I'm a lover of individuals and soul connection.  I'm good at it and always have been.  I have random conversations with strangers in grocery lines, at bus stops, churches, bars and coffee shops and these strangers turn into friends.  If I have ever connected with you heart to heart, my spirit probably is inspired and loves your spirit.

I believe love is an essential quality of living a prosperous and happy life.  That love has been very off-balance for a long time.  I believed a lie that I don't deserve to live my life for me and put everyone else first.

When I was re-diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, I knew it was a form of self-hatred and self-rejection. I was literally killing myself.  I struggled because I am a people pleaser, compared myself to everyone and beyond, looked outside myself for peace, joy and love I have craved.  I had forgotten the most important person, me.

I knew that it was a new time and season for me, an opportunity to make a different choice.  This journey was and still is about unconditional love for myself, claiming my worthiness, divinity and power within and living my life for me.

This past year has been extraordinarily beautiful because of the love I have been open to receiving from friends, family and for myself.  But most importantly, the love I receive from my Creator.  I know I am a child of God and a child of Light!

The gratitude I feel to God and the Universe for this experience, to bring me back to the balance of giving and receiving love.  I am able to love others more fully and openly.  I am confident in who I am.  I am confident in my ability to make a difference in this world.  I am confident that I can do hard things.
And so it is.

Namaste

you say victim, i say powerful creator

After finishing chemotherapy (the first time) in 2010, I pondered and reflected a great deal on everything that happened, how I handled the situation, and what would I do differently?  And I have said on many occasions, "Well if I ever had to do this over again, this is what I would do next time" or "this is what I would do  differently."  Words are powerful and I would suggest be conscious of what you ask and wish for, because you might get it.  I did!  And the good news is, I wouldn't change any of it.  I know that might sound strange, but trust me on this one.  I am grateful for the blessing called cancer.

My friend, Rhianna, and I speak often about the connection between our physical bodies, emotions, and spirits; that our souls call forth the lessons we get to learn in this life and how those lessons manifest themselves in our bodies.  I knew if I experienced cancer again (this is what I would do differently...), it would be an opportunity to heal emotionally and spiritually because I didn't create and choose healing the first time.

I have encountered many individuals, who when they find out about my diagnosis they say "that's terrible" or "that sucks" or "I'm sorry" as if I am some kind of victim and deserve pity.  My spirit called this lesson forth and I created this.  I co-created with God so that I can have emotional and spiritual healing, trust my spirit, trust God, and claim everything that God has meant for me to be and that I already AM.  I am no victim, I am a powerful creator.

Namaste

crisis or opportunity

It's Christmas Day 2011.  I've had a bad chest cold for weeks and a stubborn cough that refuses to go away.  Finally, about 11pm my roommate, Renee, tells me she's taking me to the Emergency Room because I cannot breathe.

Walking into the ER, the nurse (or whoever it was) asks me why I am there.  On top of not being able to breathe, I immediately start crying and cannot speak because of all my emotional buildup.  The nurse (or whoever it was) asks for my insurance card and has me put my Social Security # in a calculator.  I take a seat in the waiting area with Naenae.  Within 10-15 minutes they call me back, usher me into a very non-private room and begin questioning about my symptoms and medical/health history.  The ER doctor decides to do some blood work and a CT scan.  Somewhere between 2-3am the doctor informs me that I have a tumor in the Mediastinum Space of my chest.

I've just  been re-diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, cancer of the lymphatic system.  The nurse was compassionate (doctor was too) and reminded me that I only have to take one day at a time and right now...one hour at a time.

For many individuals this could be terrifying and the worst news ever.  At first, I didn't know what to think or what was going to happen (two years previously I was orginally diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma and went through chemotherapy).  I only knew that my physical body was very sick (I often forget how sick I really was at the time).  I hope I have not bored you with these details.  I share them because I feel a little information about my circumstances might assist in giving clarity of why I share the lessons I have and continue to learn from this past year.  That being re-diagnosed with cancer is one of my greatest blessings.

I have heard that there is a Chinese character that translates to crisis.  That same Chinese character also translates to opportunity.  I ask myself is this a crisis or an opportunity?  I say opportunity and what an opportunity it has been and will continue to be if I choose and create it.

Namaste


NOTE: I have left many details out for my own personal reasons.  As I continue writing my blog, the story will unfold itself.  Just appreciate the randomness of it all.

I have so much gratitude for Renee, Jilian, Danielle, and many friends in San Diego who handled the majority of the mechanics so that I could go back to Utah.  Thank you for your love, support and everything you have done.