fourteen truths I learned from cancer

A few days ago a friend of mine relapsed with colon cancer.  I do not know the details of the situation or his prognosis from the oncologist, yet.  My heart aches for him and his family as I know they are searching for answers and peace.

Hearing about my friend and his relapse has caused some reflection on my own experiences with cancer, my search for answers and finding peace.  The following are things I learned along the way with being a cancer warrior myself.

1. I discovered joy, happiness and self worth.
2. I rocked a bald head proudly and refused to wear hats and scarves (unless it was windy or cold outside).
3. It taught me to live in the present moment.
4. Stop avoiding emotional pain, because when I avoid I create physical disease.
5. It saved my life.
6. It was not a "trial," it was an opportunity to let God heal my heart.
7. It is one of my greatest blessings.
8. I learned to receive the love God has for me.
9. I learned to receive the love that friends, family, doctors, nurses and complete strangers have for me.
10. I learned that as I receive love, my heart expands and I give love more sincerely and authentically.
11. I had a second chance at life (2x).
12. Sometimes healing looks differently then I expect. 
13. Just because someone transitions and passes on into the next life doesn't mean they didn't receive the healing they needed or deserve.
14. If I had a chance to rewrite my life's journey with cancer, I wouldn't change it because of the lessons learned and blessings received from the experience.

Once again, I choose to embrace my cancer journey with gratitude.  I am continually learning that healing is a choice every day of my life and a journey back to God.

Friends, I invite each of you to take a look at what you and others might look at as a struggle, trial or crisis and find the blessings and truth in your own life and experiences.

My sister, Rebekah and me right before I shaved my head.  I honestly did not know how thin my hair was or how sickly I looked until after I shaved it.

Two of my best friends Jill, Rhianna and me right after shaving my head for the first time.  Jill offered to shave it for me and did a fabulous clean smooth job.  This night I learned a lot about the fixed beliefs we have about hair.  Well, I have never felt more beautiful or radiant then I did that night.   This is the night I decided to rock the baldness.

Namaste

darkness of a new beginning

Seven years ago:

My life spiraled out of control.  I struggled to find any hope and light in my life for about two years.  I made choices that resulted in chaos, confusion and pain in my life.  I have few fond memories and feelings of those years.  During that time I experienced "good" friends excluding me from hanging out.  I know there were times friends did this on purpose and other times they forgot to invite.  Even more than the hurt of being excluded, I felt God had abandoned me.  To describe those two years in simple terms, I was living in a dark abyss, hurting and in turn hurting others.  To this day, I still experience moments pained by the hurt, chaos and confusion I created those six and seven years ago.

I am grateful to know now, God never abandoned me.  I abandoned God.  Earthly angels came into  my life who gave me unconditional love, friendship, joy, laughter, peace and brought hope back to my life.  These angels saved a human life, mine.  Thank you Emily Dent, Shauntel McAffee and Rhianna Missman for shining your light.

Present day:

Hello darkness.  We know each other well.  It looks to me you have returned to teach another lesson.  

What I know now about these dark moments, days, nights and weeks of my soul is that this time it's not the results of choices I made and I am not creating chaos and confusion.  This darkness is about letting go of my past, forgiving myself, forgiving others, healing, trusting the process and trusting God so that I can live in the NOW.

Dear Darkness, thank you for returning.  Without you I could not have a new beginning.  Because of you I know God is always with me, guiding and loving me. Love, Carolina.

Namaste

I AM

I am not a hater.  I AM a lover.
I am not a fighter.  I AM a peacegiver.
I am not awkward or disfigured.  I AM graceful.
I am not confined.  I AM free.
I am not insufficient.  I AM abundant.
I am not deceitful.  I AM honest.
I am not shallow.  I AM genuine and authentic.
I am not naive.  I AM pure.
I am not right or wrong.  I AM learning what works and what doesn't.
I am not a coward.  I AM courageous.
I am not corrupt.  I AM virtuous.
I am not needy.  I AM grateful for my blessings.
I am not condemning.  I AM forgiving.
I am not boring.  I AM magnificent.
I am not afflicted.  I AM joyful.
I am not a victim.  I AM a powerful creator.
I am not my story.  I AM a child of God.

Namaste

winning the lottery

I get anxiety over all the money I owe in medical debt.  How I deal with the anxiety is by not opening my mail and avoiding it all together.  I wouldn't recommend this to anyone if you wish to sleep at night.

Finally one day I muster up some courage to face my fears and anxiety I created.  Sitting on my bedroom floor I begin opening bills at a snails pace one after another and organizing them into piles. One particular envelope contained a letter with no request for payment of damages.  It stated that I am approved for financial assistance through IHC and that they were also approving FA for past medical (two years previous) expenses that exceed $40,000.  I felt like I had one the lottery!

This experience happened a little more than a year ago and is one of the numerous blessings given to me in the year 2012.  For me, this is one reminder that when God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. 

Namaste

the perfection of love

Love is light: the living water of spirit - all else is like a dream.
Love is bliss: the essence of ecstasy, passion, joy and contentment.
Love is peace: it is harmony within and without.
Love is compassion: it is empathy, caring and nurturing.
Love is friendship: the celebration of kindred spirits.
Love is patience: trusting, never worried, nor hurried.
Love is appreciation: cherishing life's gifts, wonders and meaning.
Love is grateful: its blessings are not taken for granted.
Love is accepting: it is infinitely generous, not possessive.
Love is understanding: it is openhearted and faithful.
Love is giving: it is infinitely generous, not possessive.
Love is sharing: communion without envy, jealousy or greed.
Love is forgiving: never condemning, begrudging, nor vengeful.
Love is helpful: it fosters resolution and fulfillment.
Love is kind: never cruel, it is affectionate and supportive.
Love is gentle: embracing sensitivity and tenderness.
Love is strong: it cannot be conquered, subverted, broken or killed.
Love is courageous: stronger than evil, hate, fear and opinion.
Love is humble: perfect integrity without vain, pride or pretense.
Love is spontaneous: without preconception or rehearsal.
Love is expansive: creative, it grows and never shrinks.
Love is ennobling: it is the spirit of true greatness.
Love is enriching: it is life enhancing, the only real wealth.
Love is free: it cannot be sold, bought, captured, nor imprisoned.
Love is whole: indivisible, beyond dualities, separate parts of pieces.
Love is sane: it is neither imaginary nor delusional.
Love is infinite: beyond self, other than self, words and limits.
Love is constant: ageless, self-renewing and fade proof.
Love is now: this timeless, endless moment of creation.
Love is the original miracle: beginningless beginning, the Way, the Truth, and the Life, the key to the gates of Hell and Eden...
To really love is to realize perfection.

~Author Unknown

Namaste

the pros and cons of bus riding vs. driving my own vehicle

1. I have to plan out my day in advance and sometimes hour by hour.
2. It takes at least twice as long riding the bus and train.
3. I get up an hour earlier then I typically would to be on time to school.
4. I choose sleep over eating breakfast most days because of the early hours of waking.
5. I can eat breakfast on the bus!
6. I don't have to pay for car insurance.
7. I buy a monthly bus pass, instead of spending hundreds of $$$ on gas.
8. I am saving money by riding the bus.
9. If I leave my house even one minute late, I either end up running after the bus (ugh) or miss it altogether.
10. I get exercise walking (or running haha) to the bus stop, home or school.
11. I can read a book, study, do homework, sleep, meditate or write on the bus.
12. I make friends with the bus drivers.
13. Seeing the same faces everyday on the bus, giving a friendly smile and hello.
14. People watching (who doesn't love people watching?).
15. MY FAVORITE ONE... Making new friends at the bus stop, on the bus or train.

One day while waiting for my bus to arrive, I walked over to a bench to have a seat. Sitting on that bench next to me is a man wearing sunglasses, backpack in tow and a long white stick sitting next him.  This man was obviously blind and his name is Warren.  Sitting there together we began conversing about where we were going and life in general.  He inspired me by his kindness, gentle words and that life is still wonderful and good even when it throws some crazy stuff at you.  I am grateful for this moment in time to meet a beautiful soul and connect heart to heart.  I may never see my friend Warren, again. But that day he made a difference in my life and I am a better human being for meeting him!

Namaste

i choose, i am, i know

The way I choose to love myself is. . .  with gentleness and kindness; letting go of my ego and forgiving all those who I "think" have hurt or wronged me; being open to all those who experience something different than me; trusting spirit with an open heart; letting go of expectations of myself, men, women, relationships, school or work; with joy and happiness; love begins with me by forgiving myself, trusting myself and loving myself.

I AM. . .  loving; kind; trusting God; connected to source and light; a giver and receiver; honest; accountable; joyful and silly; laughter; inspiring; creating healing; experiencing beauty; grounded; celebrating my life and the lives of all my soul brothers and sisters; beautiful; listening to spirit with an open heart; forgiving; learning, loving and living.

What I know. . . I am powerful; I create light and shine my light in dark places and dark spaces; I am at choice; I am a creator with God; I am a child of God; I am living, experiencing and giving light to all of God's creations; that I love to love; I create peace, celebration, forgiveness, joy and healing; that I have a purpose in this life; that I am always safe and my angels are here guiding and protecting me; I am loved very deeply by God, the Light, my angels and my soul brothers and sisters; I love being alive in this human body; I know that healing is a choice; God is in me, as me.

Namaste

crisis or opportunity

It's Christmas Day 2011.  I've had a bad chest cold for weeks and a stubborn cough that refuses to go away.  Finally, about 11pm my roommate, Renee, tells me she's taking me to the Emergency Room because I cannot breathe.

Walking into the ER, the nurse (or whoever it was) asks me why I am there.  On top of not being able to breathe, I immediately start crying and cannot speak because of all my emotional buildup.  The nurse (or whoever it was) asks for my insurance card and has me put my Social Security # in a calculator.  I take a seat in the waiting area with Naenae.  Within 10-15 minutes they call me back, usher me into a very non-private room and begin questioning about my symptoms and medical/health history.  The ER doctor decides to do some blood work and a CT scan.  Somewhere between 2-3am the doctor informs me that I have a tumor in the Mediastinum Space of my chest.

I've just  been re-diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, cancer of the lymphatic system.  The nurse was compassionate (doctor was too) and reminded me that I only have to take one day at a time and right now...one hour at a time.

For many individuals this could be terrifying and the worst news ever.  At first, I didn't know what to think or what was going to happen (two years previously I was orginally diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma and went through chemotherapy).  I only knew that my physical body was very sick (I often forget how sick I really was at the time).  I hope I have not bored you with these details.  I share them because I feel a little information about my circumstances might assist in giving clarity of why I share the lessons I have and continue to learn from this past year.  That being re-diagnosed with cancer is one of my greatest blessings.

I have heard that there is a Chinese character that translates to crisis.  That same Chinese character also translates to opportunity.  I ask myself is this a crisis or an opportunity?  I say opportunity and what an opportunity it has been and will continue to be if I choose and create it.

Namaste


NOTE: I have left many details out for my own personal reasons.  As I continue writing my blog, the story will unfold itself.  Just appreciate the randomness of it all.

I have so much gratitude for Renee, Jilian, Danielle, and many friends in San Diego who handled the majority of the mechanics so that I could go back to Utah.  Thank you for your love, support and everything you have done.