stop waiting

Why do you wait to get the answers from other people?  When you already know the answer.  Why do you wait to respond to something that is out of integrity with who you are?  Why are you waiting to forgive those that have wronged you?  Why do you wait to be the powerful you?  Why do you wait to take a stand for truth and light and just follow others?  You know better, so stop it.

This is not a beat up stick.  This is an unconditional loving reminder that you are holy and called of God to do the work.  You are chosen to do God's work because you want to.  Your heart longing seeks the truth, to know the truth and live the truth.

STOP WAITING!!!  Stop waiting for everyone else.  I get where you are at and you are healing a broken heart.   As you continue to heal, the shackles will fall at your feet.  You will create emotional and spiritual freedom for yourself, generations to come and generations that passed on.  Do the work that feels difficult.

Prepare a space that is safe for you to BE.  Prepare a space to be your sanctuary.  Prepare a space so that others may also feel and experience peace, healing and heaven on earth in that space and in your presence.  That they will know by being in your presence, they are also in the presence of God.

Namaste

fourteen truths I learned from cancer

A few days ago a friend of mine relapsed with colon cancer.  I do not know the details of the situation or his prognosis from the oncologist, yet.  My heart aches for him and his family as I know they are searching for answers and peace.

Hearing about my friend and his relapse has caused some reflection on my own experiences with cancer, my search for answers and finding peace.  The following are things I learned along the way with being a cancer warrior myself.

1. I discovered joy, happiness and self worth.
2. I rocked a bald head proudly and refused to wear hats and scarves (unless it was windy or cold outside).
3. It taught me to live in the present moment.
4. Stop avoiding emotional pain, because when I avoid I create physical disease.
5. It saved my life.
6. It was not a "trial," it was an opportunity to let God heal my heart.
7. It is one of my greatest blessings.
8. I learned to receive the love God has for me.
9. I learned to receive the love that friends, family, doctors, nurses and complete strangers have for me.
10. I learned that as I receive love, my heart expands and I give love more sincerely and authentically.
11. I had a second chance at life (2x).
12. Sometimes healing looks differently then I expect. 
13. Just because someone transitions and passes on into the next life doesn't mean they didn't receive the healing they needed or deserve.
14. If I had a chance to rewrite my life's journey with cancer, I wouldn't change it because of the lessons learned and blessings received from the experience.

Once again, I choose to embrace my cancer journey with gratitude.  I am continually learning that healing is a choice every day of my life and a journey back to God.

Friends, I invite each of you to take a look at what you and others might look at as a struggle, trial or crisis and find the blessings and truth in your own life and experiences.

My sister, Rebekah and me right before I shaved my head.  I honestly did not know how thin my hair was or how sickly I looked until after I shaved it.

Two of my best friends Jill, Rhianna and me right after shaving my head for the first time.  Jill offered to shave it for me and did a fabulous clean smooth job.  This night I learned a lot about the fixed beliefs we have about hair.  Well, I have never felt more beautiful or radiant then I did that night.   This is the night I decided to rock the baldness.

Namaste

darkness of a new beginning

Seven years ago:

My life spiraled out of control.  I struggled to find any hope and light in my life for about two years.  I made choices that resulted in chaos, confusion and pain in my life.  I have few fond memories and feelings of those years.  During that time I experienced "good" friends excluding me from hanging out.  I know there were times friends did this on purpose and other times they forgot to invite.  Even more than the hurt of being excluded, I felt God had abandoned me.  To describe those two years in simple terms, I was living in a dark abyss, hurting and in turn hurting others.  To this day, I still experience moments pained by the hurt, chaos and confusion I created those six and seven years ago.

I am grateful to know now, God never abandoned me.  I abandoned God.  Earthly angels came into  my life who gave me unconditional love, friendship, joy, laughter, peace and brought hope back to my life.  These angels saved a human life, mine.  Thank you Emily Dent, Shauntel McAffee and Rhianna Missman for shining your light.

Present day:

Hello darkness.  We know each other well.  It looks to me you have returned to teach another lesson.  

What I know now about these dark moments, days, nights and weeks of my soul is that this time it's not the results of choices I made and I am not creating chaos and confusion.  This darkness is about letting go of my past, forgiving myself, forgiving others, healing, trusting the process and trusting God so that I can live in the NOW.

Dear Darkness, thank you for returning.  Without you I could not have a new beginning.  Because of you I know God is always with me, guiding and loving me. Love, Carolina.

Namaste

the God letter

My dear Child,

What you choose to experience in your heart will be reflected in your life.  If you choose to be insecure about your physical body, weight, appearance or personality you will experience being jealous, judging, or comparing yourself to others.  Know this, that is your own experience and it doesn't mean it's right.  It doesn't mean it's wrong.  It is what it is.  It's not truth.  It's only an experience of your choosing.

The truth is, you are my child.  You are an infinite divine child of God.  There is no expectation of what you must be or what you must do to be good enough for me or be good enough for yourself.  I created you and I only create perfection. You are enough.  You are whole.  You are complete.  

You are a free agent to choose what you create and reflect in this world.  I am here supporting and loving you on this journey of discovery and creation.  Remember, I do not hate, judge or discriminate any of my children (including you!). 

Until next time,

God

Namaste

I AM

I am not a hater.  I AM a lover.
I am not a fighter.  I AM a peacegiver.
I am not awkward or disfigured.  I AM graceful.
I am not confined.  I AM free.
I am not insufficient.  I AM abundant.
I am not deceitful.  I AM honest.
I am not shallow.  I AM genuine and authentic.
I am not naive.  I AM pure.
I am not right or wrong.  I AM learning what works and what doesn't.
I am not a coward.  I AM courageous.
I am not corrupt.  I AM virtuous.
I am not needy.  I AM grateful for my blessings.
I am not condemning.  I AM forgiving.
I am not boring.  I AM magnificent.
I am not afflicted.  I AM joyful.
I am not a victim.  I AM a powerful creator.
I am not my story.  I AM a child of God.

Namaste

the perfection of love

Love is light: the living water of spirit - all else is like a dream.
Love is bliss: the essence of ecstasy, passion, joy and contentment.
Love is peace: it is harmony within and without.
Love is compassion: it is empathy, caring and nurturing.
Love is friendship: the celebration of kindred spirits.
Love is patience: trusting, never worried, nor hurried.
Love is appreciation: cherishing life's gifts, wonders and meaning.
Love is grateful: its blessings are not taken for granted.
Love is accepting: it is infinitely generous, not possessive.
Love is understanding: it is openhearted and faithful.
Love is giving: it is infinitely generous, not possessive.
Love is sharing: communion without envy, jealousy or greed.
Love is forgiving: never condemning, begrudging, nor vengeful.
Love is helpful: it fosters resolution and fulfillment.
Love is kind: never cruel, it is affectionate and supportive.
Love is gentle: embracing sensitivity and tenderness.
Love is strong: it cannot be conquered, subverted, broken or killed.
Love is courageous: stronger than evil, hate, fear and opinion.
Love is humble: perfect integrity without vain, pride or pretense.
Love is spontaneous: without preconception or rehearsal.
Love is expansive: creative, it grows and never shrinks.
Love is ennobling: it is the spirit of true greatness.
Love is enriching: it is life enhancing, the only real wealth.
Love is free: it cannot be sold, bought, captured, nor imprisoned.
Love is whole: indivisible, beyond dualities, separate parts of pieces.
Love is sane: it is neither imaginary nor delusional.
Love is infinite: beyond self, other than self, words and limits.
Love is constant: ageless, self-renewing and fade proof.
Love is now: this timeless, endless moment of creation.
Love is the original miracle: beginningless beginning, the Way, the Truth, and the Life, the key to the gates of Hell and Eden...
To really love is to realize perfection.

~Author Unknown

Namaste

sympathy? not so much!

Dearest friend,

Your husband was diagnosed with acute leukemia this week and I almost offered you my sympathy. I almost said the words to you that I hated hearing myself: "I'm sorry" or "that's horrible" or "that's tough" etc.  I didn't because I remembered my own journey with cancer.

I discovered within myself courage; that life is beautiful in every moment; trust in my Creator; trust in myself; my spiritual strength; I can do hard things; spiritual healing is a choice; by opening my heart to loving myself and receiving God's love for me I am healed.  This was and still is my experience with cancer.

You are on your own journey.  I will walk beside you and love you, but you are the one that has to walk it.  In your darkest moments remember "Peace be still and know that I am God."  I am excited for you and Houston and to see what you create.

Love always,

The 2x Cancer Warrior

Namaste

i wrote this for you

This week I have been praying (A LOT) for some extra love and asking God to send me an angel of compassion and kindness.  Well here are a few of them I would like to share with you. I don't usually mention names, but today I will because I want these people to know that something so small that they did has been a blessing to me this week.

Brian Abel, thank you for sharing your artwork with me.  It touches the deepest part of my soul.  Thank you for living your dreams. You shine so much love and light in this world by being true to yourself.

Shauntel Mcaffee, thank you for sharing your kiddos with me.  I loved playing dress up at Tazia's birthday party.

Christine Stewart, in class (touch for health) when I looked in you eyes I felt your unconditional love for me. Because of that I experienced God's unconditional love for me.  I really needed that.

Sharlene Dalley, thank you for asking me to hangout. I love our girl time.  Thank you for all the advice about massage school, licensing and being a therapist.  

Marmee, thank you for being my angel mother. Thank you for having a heart of gold.  Thank you for always giving everything 100%+1.  I am grateful to be your daughter. 

Rhianna Missman, thank you for calling me back.  I love our chats.  I love that we are soul sisters.  I love that we keep our contract and show up for each other.

Julia Sanders, thank you for chatting on facebook.  Thank you for asking me how I am doing.  Thank you for listening.

Ali Huggins, thank you for reading "THE DAY YOU READ THIS" in group this week.  My spirit deserved to hear that. Thank you for always being so awesome in yoga.  I will miss you when you move away.

Melanie Taylor, thank you for your laughter and silliness.  It is perfect timing that we are part of each others lives again.  This is a reminder to both of us that God's timing is the perfect timing.  Lets have fun and get crazy this summer.

Amber Parker, thank you for challenging me to inspire gratitude.  

Thank you to all of you who choose compassion, gentleness, love, forgiveness, humility, sincerity, and authenticity.  You are creating heaven on earth.

God, thank you for sending angels of love this week.  I know your listening.

Love, Cari

My friend Ali read this poem in my cancer support group this week and would like to share it with you.

THE DAY YOU READ THIS
On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realize there were no more fears to fear.  No tears to cry.  No head to hang in shame.  That every time you thought you'd offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that.  That everyone and everything lives on inside you.  That that doesn't make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.

That being alone means you're free.  That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you're with is the one you're meant to be with.  That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them.  That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough.  That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people.  That you laugh more than you cry.  That crying is good for you.  That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you.  That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them.  That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else.  That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you're judging them.  That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you'll ever fathom and should be treated as such.  That the difference between a job and art is passion.  That neither defines who you are.  That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world.  That life contradicts itself, constantly.  That that's why it's worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time.  That love is only as real as you want it to be.  That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn't always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it's up to you each day if you match it.  That nothing matters up until this point.  That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future.  Forever.

That rain is beautiful. And so are you!

Written by,
I wrote this for you

Namaste

i am so blessed...

I am grateful for...

• Utah; that I get to experience the beautiful mountains where I live everyday; hiking; so many State and National Parks within hours of driving from where I live; my family and lots of good friends live here; I love experiencing all four seasons here (even though it's bi-polar weather half the year); my favorite part of each season is the beginning because it's all about the obvious change and transition into something new; meditating and connecting to God and the Universe in nature; Moab and Zion's National Park (need I say more?).
• Food; I am not a picky eater :); green smoothies; anything my sister-in-law, Glinda, makes (cooking, baking, preparing). If she touches it, I know it's going to be good; healthy food; learning about nutrition; ice cream (one of my biggest weaknesses); Kevin's home grilled steak...hmmm good; salad; that I like healthy nutritional food; pineapple; mangoes; peaches; oranges; peanut butter; thai food; chocolate milk; anything chocolate; salmon; salt, pepper, curry, garlic and cayenne; Leatherby's ice cream and cheese fries; pumpkin soup; carrot cake; the list could keep going...
• People; my Marmee who has a heart of gold; I've got the best sisters in the world: Rebekah, Alexa, Glinda and Jenn; my other sisters who are not related by blood, aka soul sisters (to many to name, I would probably unintentionally forget someone and you know that we're soul sisters!); connecting heart to heart, soul to soul whether you are family, friend, or stranger; that I have a great relationships with all my siblings, that we all love being together and hanging out; I love being with people I love and who love me right back!
• Yoga; I like practicing yoga in my daily life; I like practicing asanas at home and going to a yoga class; I like how I see myself grow and try new things in my practice (especially the ones I am terrified to try ie. inversions); as I experiment and try new positions it gives me strength and courage to try new things in my daily life.
• God; a loving Creator; knowing that I am created from light; knowing that I am a child of light; knowing that I am light; that God is always patient, loving, guiding, healing, inspiring, and giving me courage; God's abundance is my abundance; the trust that I have in my Creator and the Universe; ask and ye shall receive!

What are you grateful for?

Namaste

angels

Let's face it, we're all human.  We've all been stuck in a rut.  We've all experienced fear, loneliness, pain and heartache.  We've all lost someone we love whether that be through death or for whatever reason they're no longer part of our lives anymore.  We've all had moments where we ask ourselves, we ask the Universe, we ask God . . .could it get any worse?  And then it does. But then something wonderful and beautiful happens. . .

God sends an angel to give love, strength, courage, healing, a gentle touch, hugs, light, hope and the list goes on.  These angels come in the form of mothers, fathers, siblings, pets, nature, friends and even strangers.

If we ever wonder or see someone struggling let's pray to love with more compassion, sincerity and with an open heart and ask the Universe and God to let spirit guide us.  Being open to spirit and what God asks me to do is my goal.  If I can do that, then I am the hands of God and angel to someone in need of light and love in there life.  Spirit is what makes the difference in my life because I know I am someones angel.

Namaste

i choose, i am, i know

The way I choose to love myself is. . .  with gentleness and kindness; letting go of my ego and forgiving all those who I "think" have hurt or wronged me; being open to all those who experience something different than me; trusting spirit with an open heart; letting go of expectations of myself, men, women, relationships, school or work; with joy and happiness; love begins with me by forgiving myself, trusting myself and loving myself.

I AM. . .  loving; kind; trusting God; connected to source and light; a giver and receiver; honest; accountable; joyful and silly; laughter; inspiring; creating healing; experiencing beauty; grounded; celebrating my life and the lives of all my soul brothers and sisters; beautiful; listening to spirit with an open heart; forgiving; learning, loving and living.

What I know. . . I am powerful; I create light and shine my light in dark places and dark spaces; I am at choice; I am a creator with God; I am a child of God; I am living, experiencing and giving light to all of God's creations; that I love to love; I create peace, celebration, forgiveness, joy and healing; that I have a purpose in this life; that I am always safe and my angels are here guiding and protecting me; I am loved very deeply by God, the Light, my angels and my soul brothers and sisters; I love being alive in this human body; I know that healing is a choice; God is in me, as me.

Namaste

beautiful, abundant and blessed 2013

Happy New Year!  2013, I have big plans for you and I am excited to be a live!

• Grounded.  I am a daughter of God and a child of Light.  Sometimes I forget this.  I then compare myself to others and let their opinions make my decisions.  Confusion sets in and I feel out of place in my own skin.  I can feel myself creating chaos  As I ground myself in spirit, truth and love, I remember to live my life and shine on.

• Open, trust and free-fall.  I choose to open my heart, mind and spirit to all possibilities.  As I trust my spirit and Creator with life, I can feel myself free-falling and loving the experience.  I am creating beauty and happiness everywhere I choose to go and be.

• Balance and wholeness.  I choose wisely as I care for my physical, emotional and spiritual health; and I create balance and wholeness.  I know Creator guides, supports and blesses my life.  I am happy, healthy and whole.

• Christ's Consciousness.  I choose a higher perspective in my relationships, experiences and circumstances.  I choose peace in my heart.  I celebrate life and new beginnings by living Christ Consciousness.

• Laughter, silliness and joy.  As I am choosing to live my life in these spirit ways of being I laugh a lot; I love being silly; and a deep sense of joy is always in my heart.

Yes, yes, yes!  I am creating a beautiful, abundant and blessed 2013!

Namaste

accountability

There are a few relationships in my life that I always seem to be in conflict with.  I care deeply for these individuals, but it always feels as though there is a breach or we're clashing heads.  The energy I experience around them is they expect life to be or look a certain way; whatever I do, it's never good enough; I always feel like I am doing something wrong; and most of all, it's not safe or okay to be who I am.

I'll be honest, I've had moments where I've contemplated eliminating these people from my life because of the frustration, anger and hurt I felt.  I believed that would be the answer to my problem.  But. . .

I opened my heart to learn lessons that keep reappearing in my life.  Lesson one: I am accountable for my feelings, emotions, reactions, how I choose to interact with humanity, choices and even the things that just happen to me.  Lesson two: I know my spirit influences and affects each individual I interact with; and I am accountable for the energy I bring in their space.

When I choose to be hurt, angry or blame I am creating limitations that confine and hinder my relationships and myself.  I ask God and the Light to assist me in releasing my pain so that there is space for more love, forgiveness and healing.

Namaste

love thyself, as thy neighbor

Have you ever felt like one word could describe a day, week, month or year of your life?  I know if I had to choose one word to describe this past year it would be balance.

I'm a lover of individuals and soul connection.  I'm good at it and always have been.  I have random conversations with strangers in grocery lines, at bus stops, churches, bars and coffee shops and these strangers turn into friends.  If I have ever connected with you heart to heart, my spirit probably is inspired and loves your spirit.

I believe love is an essential quality of living a prosperous and happy life.  That love has been very off-balance for a long time.  I believed a lie that I don't deserve to live my life for me and put everyone else first.

When I was re-diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, I knew it was a form of self-hatred and self-rejection. I was literally killing myself.  I struggled because I am a people pleaser, compared myself to everyone and beyond, looked outside myself for peace, joy and love I have craved.  I had forgotten the most important person, me.

I knew that it was a new time and season for me, an opportunity to make a different choice.  This journey was and still is about unconditional love for myself, claiming my worthiness, divinity and power within and living my life for me.

This past year has been extraordinarily beautiful because of the love I have been open to receiving from friends, family and for myself.  But most importantly, the love I receive from my Creator.  I know I am a child of God and a child of Light!

The gratitude I feel to God and the Universe for this experience, to bring me back to the balance of giving and receiving love.  I am able to love others more fully and openly.  I am confident in who I am.  I am confident in my ability to make a difference in this world.  I am confident that I can do hard things.
And so it is.

Namaste

you say victim, i say powerful creator

After finishing chemotherapy (the first time) in 2010, I pondered and reflected a great deal on everything that happened, how I handled the situation, and what would I do differently?  And I have said on many occasions, "Well if I ever had to do this over again, this is what I would do next time" or "this is what I would do  differently."  Words are powerful and I would suggest be conscious of what you ask and wish for, because you might get it.  I did!  And the good news is, I wouldn't change any of it.  I know that might sound strange, but trust me on this one.  I am grateful for the blessing called cancer.

My friend, Rhianna, and I speak often about the connection between our physical bodies, emotions, and spirits; that our souls call forth the lessons we get to learn in this life and how those lessons manifest themselves in our bodies.  I knew if I experienced cancer again (this is what I would do differently...), it would be an opportunity to heal emotionally and spiritually because I didn't create and choose healing the first time.

I have encountered many individuals, who when they find out about my diagnosis they say "that's terrible" or "that sucks" or "I'm sorry" as if I am some kind of victim and deserve pity.  My spirit called this lesson forth and I created this.  I co-created with God so that I can have emotional and spiritual healing, trust my spirit, trust God, and claim everything that God has meant for me to be and that I already AM.  I am no victim, I am a powerful creator.

Namaste

happy birthday to me!

Today I am 29 years old.  I've decided that I am going to make it the best year of my twenties and go out with a bang.  This next year I will go to where I have never gone before and do things I have never done.

So... Where do I want to go and what do I want to do? 

• Go to massage therapy school and get my massage license
• Gain 20 lbs.
• Write on my blog twice a month
• Go snowboarding for the first time ever
• Get involved with a non-profit organization
• Be of service and volunteer regularly (1-4x month)
• Finish my quilt
• Go on a yoga retreat
• Teach a nutrition class

Now... How will I accomplish these things and get to where I want to go? 

First, be my powerful, courageous self and let my light shine.  Second, be open to the lessons that come my way and learn from them.  Third, let go of attachment and expectation that things have to look a certain way. Fourth, be open to change and that anything is possible.  Fifth, remember to breath and take one step at a time.  Sixth, live in the present moment, be conscious of choices, and love the journey.  Seventh, God is in the details.  God is everywhere and in everything. God is part of my process, my life and my journey.

Namaste.