darkness of a new beginning

Seven years ago:

My life spiraled out of control.  I struggled to find any hope and light in my life for about two years.  I made choices that resulted in chaos, confusion and pain in my life.  I have few fond memories and feelings of those years.  During that time I experienced "good" friends excluding me from hanging out.  I know there were times friends did this on purpose and other times they forgot to invite.  Even more than the hurt of being excluded, I felt God had abandoned me.  To describe those two years in simple terms, I was living in a dark abyss, hurting and in turn hurting others.  To this day, I still experience moments pained by the hurt, chaos and confusion I created those six and seven years ago.

I am grateful to know now, God never abandoned me.  I abandoned God.  Earthly angels came into  my life who gave me unconditional love, friendship, joy, laughter, peace and brought hope back to my life.  These angels saved a human life, mine.  Thank you Emily Dent, Shauntel McAffee and Rhianna Missman for shining your light.

Present day:

Hello darkness.  We know each other well.  It looks to me you have returned to teach another lesson.  

What I know now about these dark moments, days, nights and weeks of my soul is that this time it's not the results of choices I made and I am not creating chaos and confusion.  This darkness is about letting go of my past, forgiving myself, forgiving others, healing, trusting the process and trusting God so that I can live in the NOW.

Dear Darkness, thank you for returning.  Without you I could not have a new beginning.  Because of you I know God is always with me, guiding and loving me. Love, Carolina.

Namaste

the perfect environment...not!

My thinking unhappy thoughts leads to me feeling unhappy.  My feeling unhappy leads to unhappy attitude.  My miserable, not so good, unhappy attitude leads to me being unhappy.  My being = unhappy girl.

I am blaming part of my unhappiness on my current job.  I strongly dislike my job and I am miserable.  I believe it's important to enjoy where I work and be surrounded by positive things.  I believe that being in a good and happy environment does wonderful things for my health.  I've had no desire to be there from day one and because of that I haven't put much effort into my actual job.  I love the massage part of it, but everything else I am very negative towards.  My negativity is effecting me as a person, it's effecting my thoughts, effecting my attitude about getting another job, effecting the massage I give and effecting my confidence as an individual. I realized that I am being negative and pessimistic about where I work, I'm afraid of getting another massage job and that I won't enjoy giving massage.  This makes me so sad because I love massage and bodywork.

I haven't been thriving in my work environment, but I am learning to be confident in myself and in places that I am uncomfortable.  I am learning that if I wait for the perfect environment to be there I will have missed much opportunity to make a difference.  My heart is in the right place and I want to do what God asks me to do, but how can I even be open to what God asks me to do, if I'm negative all the time.

My job is not the perfect environment.  It is the perfect opportunity to make a difference and bless those lives around me.  Yes, I am going to look for work else where, but I am also going to be happy where I am at, enjoy the work I do and make my environment a better place.

Cheers to creating the perfect opportunity to bless and touch all of God's children who I come in contact with in my life. God bless us everyone!

Namaste