fourteen truths I learned from cancer

A few days ago a friend of mine relapsed with colon cancer.  I do not know the details of the situation or his prognosis from the oncologist, yet.  My heart aches for him and his family as I know they are searching for answers and peace.

Hearing about my friend and his relapse has caused some reflection on my own experiences with cancer, my search for answers and finding peace.  The following are things I learned along the way with being a cancer warrior myself.

1. I discovered joy, happiness and self worth.
2. I rocked a bald head proudly and refused to wear hats and scarves (unless it was windy or cold outside).
3. It taught me to live in the present moment.
4. Stop avoiding emotional pain, because when I avoid I create physical disease.
5. It saved my life.
6. It was not a "trial," it was an opportunity to let God heal my heart.
7. It is one of my greatest blessings.
8. I learned to receive the love God has for me.
9. I learned to receive the love that friends, family, doctors, nurses and complete strangers have for me.
10. I learned that as I receive love, my heart expands and I give love more sincerely and authentically.
11. I had a second chance at life (2x).
12. Sometimes healing looks differently then I expect. 
13. Just because someone transitions and passes on into the next life doesn't mean they didn't receive the healing they needed or deserve.
14. If I had a chance to rewrite my life's journey with cancer, I wouldn't change it because of the lessons learned and blessings received from the experience.

Once again, I choose to embrace my cancer journey with gratitude.  I am continually learning that healing is a choice every day of my life and a journey back to God.

Friends, I invite each of you to take a look at what you and others might look at as a struggle, trial or crisis and find the blessings and truth in your own life and experiences.

My sister, Rebekah and me right before I shaved my head.  I honestly did not know how thin my hair was or how sickly I looked until after I shaved it.

Two of my best friends Jill, Rhianna and me right after shaving my head for the first time.  Jill offered to shave it for me and did a fabulous clean smooth job.  This night I learned a lot about the fixed beliefs we have about hair.  Well, I have never felt more beautiful or radiant then I did that night.   This is the night I decided to rock the baldness.

Namaste

darkness of a new beginning

Seven years ago:

My life spiraled out of control.  I struggled to find any hope and light in my life for about two years.  I made choices that resulted in chaos, confusion and pain in my life.  I have few fond memories and feelings of those years.  During that time I experienced "good" friends excluding me from hanging out.  I know there were times friends did this on purpose and other times they forgot to invite.  Even more than the hurt of being excluded, I felt God had abandoned me.  To describe those two years in simple terms, I was living in a dark abyss, hurting and in turn hurting others.  To this day, I still experience moments pained by the hurt, chaos and confusion I created those six and seven years ago.

I am grateful to know now, God never abandoned me.  I abandoned God.  Earthly angels came into  my life who gave me unconditional love, friendship, joy, laughter, peace and brought hope back to my life.  These angels saved a human life, mine.  Thank you Emily Dent, Shauntel McAffee and Rhianna Missman for shining your light.

Present day:

Hello darkness.  We know each other well.  It looks to me you have returned to teach another lesson.  

What I know now about these dark moments, days, nights and weeks of my soul is that this time it's not the results of choices I made and I am not creating chaos and confusion.  This darkness is about letting go of my past, forgiving myself, forgiving others, healing, trusting the process and trusting God so that I can live in the NOW.

Dear Darkness, thank you for returning.  Without you I could not have a new beginning.  Because of you I know God is always with me, guiding and loving me. Love, Carolina.

Namaste

i changed my stars

Written by Julia Sanders

Looking in the mirror one day when I was a teenager I cringed, "I can't believe I'm that girl."  There I stood, 215 lbs and counting.

When I was in sixth grade I weighed about 120 lbs and my dad told me, "If you just maintain that weight, that would be perfectly healthy."  That was the last time I remembered looking at a scale and seeing any number in the 120's.

I don't recall when I started gaining weight.  Puberty probably had something to do with it, but there I was in high school over 200 lbs.  I was "that girl."

Throughout my teens and early twenties I tried everything.  I walked in the mornings with my dad.  I did Atkins diet.  I even did this absurd "diet" where I just wouldn't eat anything until I lost 5 lbs in the week and then I'd just maintain that (That ended abruptly when a friend of my sister's found out and swiftly and painfully punched me in the arm and told me that if she found out I was keeping that up she would be SO mad at me.  I didn't realize at the time that that was pretty much anorexia).  Nothing worked and nothing lasted.

Then one day, when I was 23 I was in the shower and I realized my life was never going to change.  With the way I was, my life was as good as it was going to get, and I just wept.

One day at my parent's, my mom was reading an article on Gastric Band surgery.  She had me read the article and told me, "If this is something you are interest in, we will help you pay for it!"

I was interested.

I researched it for a year before deciding to do it.  I knew everything there was to know.  I also knew it was possible to cheat it and that terrified me.

The night before my surgery I was so scared that this would be just one more thing that I failed at, but this time it was going to cost my parents and me a LOT of money.

My goal for the surgery wasn't to get skinny.  In fact I didn't expect that I would.  My goal was to get skinnier and better yet, healthier.  My goal weight was 173 lbs.  That was the lowest weight I had gotten to when I did Atkins in 2003 (I had gotten back up to 225 prior to the surgery in 2007).  My research showed that the average person would lose up to 50% of their excess body weight.  I had 80 lbs. of excess body weight, so losing over 50 lbs. was exceeding that average.

I asked one of the nurses if it was possible to lose all of my excess body weight, she told me it was.  I had a new goal.

The thing with this surgery is, the band is a tool.  If used properly you can be successful, but as previously mentioned it can be cheated.  It is a forced portion control, but you decide what those portions are, and some items won't be affected by the band at all.  Liquid calories and such.

I had surgery on June 18, 2007.  I used this band as a tool.  In the first six months I lost 42 lbs.  I am a person that is motivated by results, the more weight I lost the more I could physically do.  The more I could do the more I would do and the more weight I would lose.  By June 18, 2008 I had lost all 80 lbs of my excess body weight.

October 2008 I ran my first 5k.  November my second.  July 2009 I hiked Mt. Timpanogos.  October 2011 I ran my first half marathon, April 2012 my second and September 2013 my third.  In July 2012 I completed my first triathlon and July 2013 my second.  I have competed in 13 different races.  They say that after about three years of having the band most people will start to gain the weight again.  In 2012, my fifth year after surgery, I lost my hundredth pound.  As of the end of November 2013 and six and a half year in, I was 2 lbs lower than that.

The difference this time?  I wasn't expecting or hoping for a quick fix.  I was ready to make a life change.  Prior to surgery I ate crap all the time and I lived a sedentary life.  Now I am very cautious of what I eat.  My habits have changed.  I learned how to eat and found foods that I like that are actually good for me.  Nutrition is THE BIGGEST  part of losing weight.  If you don't understand that, you can't make lasting changes.

There is no such thing as a diet.  You have to be ready to make changes for the rest of your life or I guarantee it won't last.  No matter how much weight you lose on a crash diet, if you don't keep it up forever or make the necessary permanent changes, it can't last.

I sometimes struggle with the thought that I didn't do it on my own.  I struggle knowing that I needed to have surgery to get to this point.  But  the fact of the matter is, I did.  I needed something to be the catalyst to my weight loss.  I needed a jump start.  But once I got it, I literally hit the ground running and never looked back.  I know that I never would have gotten to where I'm at without that jump start, but I also did the work to come as far as I have.  The surgery could only take me so far.

My life is completely different than it was when I was that girl crying in the shower.  Since I had surgery I have been bunging jumping, sky diving, scuba diving, water skiing, rock climbing, wake boarding, snow boarding, parasailing and zip-lining.  I've done 5k's, 10k's, half marathons and triathlons.  I went from a size 18 to a size 4.  My life has so much more potential now.  I don't think I will ever stop being amazed that I did it.  Sometimes I can't believe that I was ever that girl, but even more I can't believe that I'm not anymore.  I feel so grateful to have seen both ends of the spectrum, but I also take credit for the work I had to do to get to where I am.

To quote a Knight's Tale, "I changed my stars."

Namaste
Julia

About Julia:
I am a recovering food-a-holic.  I am a singer, wannabe athlete, wannabe outdoor enthusiast (I'm working on the wannabe's), romantic and believer in miracles. The girl I am today is constantly trying to outdo myself.  I'm always reaching for the next goal and challenge.  This hasn't always been the case.  I used to be confined to a body that was capable of so little.  Since losing weight I can't seem to test my body enough.

My main goal and ambition is to be a motivation to those who are trying to lose weight and who don't believe it's possible anymore.  I am proof that it is!  One thing that helps me the most in my change is seeing others who have been down a similar path.  I want to now be that person for others.  My message is one that I got from the movie "A Knight's Tale."  It is possible to change your stars.

NOTE: If you would like to enjoy more of Julia's stories, life experiences and sense of humor, here is a link to her blog.

mirrors

I am involved with a training where I have the opportunity to be a life coach and mentor.  One of my responsibilities is holding the individual accountable in being there word.

What does "being your word" mean to me?  If I commit to do something and I don't do it, I am out of integrity with my commitment, myself and in my relationships.

An individual who I am coaching, is not keeping several commitments and it is a frustrating situation.  Then a miracle happened. . .the Light brought to my awareness that this person is my mirror.  I am not being my word in a few relationships and areas in my life.

How can I ask this person to be accountable and be their word, if I am out of integrity?  When I am not living my life with integrity, I am causing a ripple effect of contention, anger and anxiety which leads to hate and war.  I am stealing joy, peace and love from all my relationships.  This is an opportunity for me to make a few changes and create different results in my life.  I am grateful for what this particular mirror is giving me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Namaste

accountability

There are a few relationships in my life that I always seem to be in conflict with.  I care deeply for these individuals, but it always feels as though there is a breach or we're clashing heads.  The energy I experience around them is they expect life to be or look a certain way; whatever I do, it's never good enough; I always feel like I am doing something wrong; and most of all, it's not safe or okay to be who I am.

I'll be honest, I've had moments where I've contemplated eliminating these people from my life because of the frustration, anger and hurt I felt.  I believed that would be the answer to my problem.  But. . .

I opened my heart to learn lessons that keep reappearing in my life.  Lesson one: I am accountable for my feelings, emotions, reactions, how I choose to interact with humanity, choices and even the things that just happen to me.  Lesson two: I know my spirit influences and affects each individual I interact with; and I am accountable for the energy I bring in their space.

When I choose to be hurt, angry or blame I am creating limitations that confine and hinder my relationships and myself.  I ask God and the Light to assist me in releasing my pain so that there is space for more love, forgiveness and healing.

Namaste