fourteen truths I learned from cancer

A few days ago a friend of mine relapsed with colon cancer.  I do not know the details of the situation or his prognosis from the oncologist, yet.  My heart aches for him and his family as I know they are searching for answers and peace.

Hearing about my friend and his relapse has caused some reflection on my own experiences with cancer, my search for answers and finding peace.  The following are things I learned along the way with being a cancer warrior myself.

1. I discovered joy, happiness and self worth.
2. I rocked a bald head proudly and refused to wear hats and scarves (unless it was windy or cold outside).
3. It taught me to live in the present moment.
4. Stop avoiding emotional pain, because when I avoid I create physical disease.
5. It saved my life.
6. It was not a "trial," it was an opportunity to let God heal my heart.
7. It is one of my greatest blessings.
8. I learned to receive the love God has for me.
9. I learned to receive the love that friends, family, doctors, nurses and complete strangers have for me.
10. I learned that as I receive love, my heart expands and I give love more sincerely and authentically.
11. I had a second chance at life (2x).
12. Sometimes healing looks differently then I expect. 
13. Just because someone transitions and passes on into the next life doesn't mean they didn't receive the healing they needed or deserve.
14. If I had a chance to rewrite my life's journey with cancer, I wouldn't change it because of the lessons learned and blessings received from the experience.

Once again, I choose to embrace my cancer journey with gratitude.  I am continually learning that healing is a choice every day of my life and a journey back to God.

Friends, I invite each of you to take a look at what you and others might look at as a struggle, trial or crisis and find the blessings and truth in your own life and experiences.

My sister, Rebekah and me right before I shaved my head.  I honestly did not know how thin my hair was or how sickly I looked until after I shaved it.

Two of my best friends Jill, Rhianna and me right after shaving my head for the first time.  Jill offered to shave it for me and did a fabulous clean smooth job.  This night I learned a lot about the fixed beliefs we have about hair.  Well, I have never felt more beautiful or radiant then I did that night.   This is the night I decided to rock the baldness.

Namaste

darkness of a new beginning

Seven years ago:

My life spiraled out of control.  I struggled to find any hope and light in my life for about two years.  I made choices that resulted in chaos, confusion and pain in my life.  I have few fond memories and feelings of those years.  During that time I experienced "good" friends excluding me from hanging out.  I know there were times friends did this on purpose and other times they forgot to invite.  Even more than the hurt of being excluded, I felt God had abandoned me.  To describe those two years in simple terms, I was living in a dark abyss, hurting and in turn hurting others.  To this day, I still experience moments pained by the hurt, chaos and confusion I created those six and seven years ago.

I am grateful to know now, God never abandoned me.  I abandoned God.  Earthly angels came into  my life who gave me unconditional love, friendship, joy, laughter, peace and brought hope back to my life.  These angels saved a human life, mine.  Thank you Emily Dent, Shauntel McAffee and Rhianna Missman for shining your light.

Present day:

Hello darkness.  We know each other well.  It looks to me you have returned to teach another lesson.  

What I know now about these dark moments, days, nights and weeks of my soul is that this time it's not the results of choices I made and I am not creating chaos and confusion.  This darkness is about letting go of my past, forgiving myself, forgiving others, healing, trusting the process and trusting God so that I can live in the NOW.

Dear Darkness, thank you for returning.  Without you I could not have a new beginning.  Because of you I know God is always with me, guiding and loving me. Love, Carolina.

Namaste

winning the lottery

I get anxiety over all the money I owe in medical debt.  How I deal with the anxiety is by not opening my mail and avoiding it all together.  I wouldn't recommend this to anyone if you wish to sleep at night.

Finally one day I muster up some courage to face my fears and anxiety I created.  Sitting on my bedroom floor I begin opening bills at a snails pace one after another and organizing them into piles. One particular envelope contained a letter with no request for payment of damages.  It stated that I am approved for financial assistance through IHC and that they were also approving FA for past medical (two years previous) expenses that exceed $40,000.  I felt like I had one the lottery!

This experience happened a little more than a year ago and is one of the numerous blessings given to me in the year 2012.  For me, this is one reminder that when God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. 

Namaste

the perfection of love

Love is light: the living water of spirit - all else is like a dream.
Love is bliss: the essence of ecstasy, passion, joy and contentment.
Love is peace: it is harmony within and without.
Love is compassion: it is empathy, caring and nurturing.
Love is friendship: the celebration of kindred spirits.
Love is patience: trusting, never worried, nor hurried.
Love is appreciation: cherishing life's gifts, wonders and meaning.
Love is grateful: its blessings are not taken for granted.
Love is accepting: it is infinitely generous, not possessive.
Love is understanding: it is openhearted and faithful.
Love is giving: it is infinitely generous, not possessive.
Love is sharing: communion without envy, jealousy or greed.
Love is forgiving: never condemning, begrudging, nor vengeful.
Love is helpful: it fosters resolution and fulfillment.
Love is kind: never cruel, it is affectionate and supportive.
Love is gentle: embracing sensitivity and tenderness.
Love is strong: it cannot be conquered, subverted, broken or killed.
Love is courageous: stronger than evil, hate, fear and opinion.
Love is humble: perfect integrity without vain, pride or pretense.
Love is spontaneous: without preconception or rehearsal.
Love is expansive: creative, it grows and never shrinks.
Love is ennobling: it is the spirit of true greatness.
Love is enriching: it is life enhancing, the only real wealth.
Love is free: it cannot be sold, bought, captured, nor imprisoned.
Love is whole: indivisible, beyond dualities, separate parts of pieces.
Love is sane: it is neither imaginary nor delusional.
Love is infinite: beyond self, other than self, words and limits.
Love is constant: ageless, self-renewing and fade proof.
Love is now: this timeless, endless moment of creation.
Love is the original miracle: beginningless beginning, the Way, the Truth, and the Life, the key to the gates of Hell and Eden...
To really love is to realize perfection.

~Author Unknown

Namaste

i wrote this for you

This week I have been praying (A LOT) for some extra love and asking God to send me an angel of compassion and kindness.  Well here are a few of them I would like to share with you. I don't usually mention names, but today I will because I want these people to know that something so small that they did has been a blessing to me this week.

Brian Abel, thank you for sharing your artwork with me.  It touches the deepest part of my soul.  Thank you for living your dreams. You shine so much love and light in this world by being true to yourself.

Shauntel Mcaffee, thank you for sharing your kiddos with me.  I loved playing dress up at Tazia's birthday party.

Christine Stewart, in class (touch for health) when I looked in you eyes I felt your unconditional love for me. Because of that I experienced God's unconditional love for me.  I really needed that.

Sharlene Dalley, thank you for asking me to hangout. I love our girl time.  Thank you for all the advice about massage school, licensing and being a therapist.  

Marmee, thank you for being my angel mother. Thank you for having a heart of gold.  Thank you for always giving everything 100%+1.  I am grateful to be your daughter. 

Rhianna Missman, thank you for calling me back.  I love our chats.  I love that we are soul sisters.  I love that we keep our contract and show up for each other.

Julia Sanders, thank you for chatting on facebook.  Thank you for asking me how I am doing.  Thank you for listening.

Ali Huggins, thank you for reading "THE DAY YOU READ THIS" in group this week.  My spirit deserved to hear that. Thank you for always being so awesome in yoga.  I will miss you when you move away.

Melanie Taylor, thank you for your laughter and silliness.  It is perfect timing that we are part of each others lives again.  This is a reminder to both of us that God's timing is the perfect timing.  Lets have fun and get crazy this summer.

Amber Parker, thank you for challenging me to inspire gratitude.  

Thank you to all of you who choose compassion, gentleness, love, forgiveness, humility, sincerity, and authenticity.  You are creating heaven on earth.

God, thank you for sending angels of love this week.  I know your listening.

Love, Cari

My friend Ali read this poem in my cancer support group this week and would like to share it with you.

THE DAY YOU READ THIS
On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realize there were no more fears to fear.  No tears to cry.  No head to hang in shame.  That every time you thought you'd offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that.  That everyone and everything lives on inside you.  That that doesn't make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than hard ones.

That being alone means you're free.  That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you're with is the one you're meant to be with.  That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them.  That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough.  That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people.  That you laugh more than you cry.  That crying is good for you.  That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you.  That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them.  That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else.  That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you're judging them.  That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you'll ever fathom and should be treated as such.  That the difference between a job and art is passion.  That neither defines who you are.  That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world.  That life contradicts itself, constantly.  That that's why it's worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time.  That love is only as real as you want it to be.  That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn't always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it's up to you each day if you match it.  That nothing matters up until this point.  That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future.  Forever.

That rain is beautiful. And so are you!

Written by,
I wrote this for you

Namaste

i am so blessed...

I am grateful for...

• Utah; that I get to experience the beautiful mountains where I live everyday; hiking; so many State and National Parks within hours of driving from where I live; my family and lots of good friends live here; I love experiencing all four seasons here (even though it's bi-polar weather half the year); my favorite part of each season is the beginning because it's all about the obvious change and transition into something new; meditating and connecting to God and the Universe in nature; Moab and Zion's National Park (need I say more?).
• Food; I am not a picky eater :); green smoothies; anything my sister-in-law, Glinda, makes (cooking, baking, preparing). If she touches it, I know it's going to be good; healthy food; learning about nutrition; ice cream (one of my biggest weaknesses); Kevin's home grilled steak...hmmm good; salad; that I like healthy nutritional food; pineapple; mangoes; peaches; oranges; peanut butter; thai food; chocolate milk; anything chocolate; salmon; salt, pepper, curry, garlic and cayenne; Leatherby's ice cream and cheese fries; pumpkin soup; carrot cake; the list could keep going...
• People; my Marmee who has a heart of gold; I've got the best sisters in the world: Rebekah, Alexa, Glinda and Jenn; my other sisters who are not related by blood, aka soul sisters (to many to name, I would probably unintentionally forget someone and you know that we're soul sisters!); connecting heart to heart, soul to soul whether you are family, friend, or stranger; that I have a great relationships with all my siblings, that we all love being together and hanging out; I love being with people I love and who love me right back!
• Yoga; I like practicing yoga in my daily life; I like practicing asanas at home and going to a yoga class; I like how I see myself grow and try new things in my practice (especially the ones I am terrified to try ie. inversions); as I experiment and try new positions it gives me strength and courage to try new things in my daily life.
• God; a loving Creator; knowing that I am created from light; knowing that I am a child of light; knowing that I am light; that God is always patient, loving, guiding, healing, inspiring, and giving me courage; God's abundance is my abundance; the trust that I have in my Creator and the Universe; ask and ye shall receive!

What are you grateful for?

Namaste

mirrors

I am involved with a training where I have the opportunity to be a life coach and mentor.  One of my responsibilities is holding the individual accountable in being there word.

What does "being your word" mean to me?  If I commit to do something and I don't do it, I am out of integrity with my commitment, myself and in my relationships.

An individual who I am coaching, is not keeping several commitments and it is a frustrating situation.  Then a miracle happened. . .the Light brought to my awareness that this person is my mirror.  I am not being my word in a few relationships and areas in my life.

How can I ask this person to be accountable and be their word, if I am out of integrity?  When I am not living my life with integrity, I am causing a ripple effect of contention, anger and anxiety which leads to hate and war.  I am stealing joy, peace and love from all my relationships.  This is an opportunity for me to make a few changes and create different results in my life.  I am grateful for what this particular mirror is giving me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Namaste

love thyself, as thy neighbor

Have you ever felt like one word could describe a day, week, month or year of your life?  I know if I had to choose one word to describe this past year it would be balance.

I'm a lover of individuals and soul connection.  I'm good at it and always have been.  I have random conversations with strangers in grocery lines, at bus stops, churches, bars and coffee shops and these strangers turn into friends.  If I have ever connected with you heart to heart, my spirit probably is inspired and loves your spirit.

I believe love is an essential quality of living a prosperous and happy life.  That love has been very off-balance for a long time.  I believed a lie that I don't deserve to live my life for me and put everyone else first.

When I was re-diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, I knew it was a form of self-hatred and self-rejection. I was literally killing myself.  I struggled because I am a people pleaser, compared myself to everyone and beyond, looked outside myself for peace, joy and love I have craved.  I had forgotten the most important person, me.

I knew that it was a new time and season for me, an opportunity to make a different choice.  This journey was and still is about unconditional love for myself, claiming my worthiness, divinity and power within and living my life for me.

This past year has been extraordinarily beautiful because of the love I have been open to receiving from friends, family and for myself.  But most importantly, the love I receive from my Creator.  I know I am a child of God and a child of Light!

The gratitude I feel to God and the Universe for this experience, to bring me back to the balance of giving and receiving love.  I am able to love others more fully and openly.  I am confident in who I am.  I am confident in my ability to make a difference in this world.  I am confident that I can do hard things.
And so it is.

Namaste